


Soul's Weight

by smalltrolven



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angsty Schmoop, M/M, Soul Bond, Soulmates, season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-26
Updated: 2012-07-26
Packaged: 2017-11-10 18:39:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/469431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smalltrolven/pseuds/smalltrolven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 5 AU where Dean shows up in Stull Cemetery and says Yes.  Sam and Dean jump into the Cage together along with two archangels who torture them with the knowledge of the deep secret they’ve kept from each other all these years.  What happens after Dean gets out and Sam doesn’t? How far will Dean go to get Sam back once he knows what he’s truly lost?  A search for the missing Samulet, another attempt at finding God, where even Death and Jesse the AntiChrist play a part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I only own these words, that’s it, nothing else.  
> Word count: 35,000
> 
> Warnings: Set in an AU season 5 finale so spoilers up to there, schmoop, angst in equal measures, oh and some swearing.
> 
> Authors Note: Written for the 2012 SPN-J2-BigBang. This is a schmoopy fix!it fic at heart. Thanks to my wonderful beta stella_lost who kept me going with her cheerleading poems and gave such great advice. Thanks to my artist culper355who did the fabulous, evocative artwork.

Chapter 1  
Just like that Sam is gone, taken over by Lucifer, and Dean’s alone. Utterly and completely alone. The small hope that he’d had that their crazy plan would work is gone, along with his brother. Lucifer’s got control of him and has taken him who knows where. The world’s going to end now and he can’t do a damn thing to stop it. All he wants is to get to Sam somehow. It’s like a thrumming need in his gut, _gettosamgettosamgettosam_. He needs to be there when he battles Michael, he needs to be there for his brother, he can’t abandon him now, he can’t give up, not now, not while he still has a job to do, to look out for his brother. As soon as he gets the word from Chuck about where the final battle is going down, Dean takes off, leaving Castiel and Bobby surprised with how he’s not giving up. He drives even faster than he usually does, risking everything to get to Kansas in time. All he can hear is an overwhelming drumbeat in his ears, _gettosamgettosamgettosam_.

  
Dean finally pulls up to the cemetery in Stull after a solid ten hours of driving eight hundred miles; it should have taken him twelve. But he can instantly tell that he is already much too late, LuciferSam is beating MichaelAdam to a bloody pulp. Damn, he knew the kid wouldn’t be able to stand up to Sam. The angels don’t even stop battling long enough to acknowledge his presence. Dean doesn’t know if Sam can see him from his place inside Lucifer, but he hopes that there is some part of Sam that can feel his presence, or at least know that Dean didn’t abandon him, that he’s here for him at the end of everything. It’s a hard thing for Dean to watch his brother’s body fighting all out like this when he knows Sam’s not in control of it. The grace of an angel using a human vessel is beautiful and terrifying all at the same time, mesmerizing and impossible.

Right away, it is apparent that Michael is at a disadvantage because he’s not in the right vessel, his true destined vessel. Dean should have said Yes when he had the chance. Now he knows that this is his second chance to do the right thing. He’s got to try to get Michael’s attention long enough to have him hear his “Yes”, it’s the only thing he can think of that might help. Dean knows that if he says Yes to Michael it means he’s going to have to maybe kill Sam. But he’s got to try or he’ll never be able to live with himself or explain himself to Sam if they end up in Heaven together. If the world is lost and he could have done something, Dean knows he’d never survive the guilt that would then be his.

First Dean makes an attempt to approach the two fighters by just walking up to them, but as soon as he reaches within ten feet, he’s thrown back by the energies released in their battling. It’s not just a normal human fist fight or bar brawl, there’s angel power being released with every punch thrown that resonates and reverberates around the empty cemetery. Lying near the Impala where he was thrown and attempting to stand back up and try again, he hears another vehicle pull up nearby, it’s Bobby and Cas who jump out of Bobby’s van and Dean hears Cas yell “Hey Assbutt!” He sees Cas throws a Molotov Holy Oil right at the two warring vessels. Both of them stop and howl in pain as parts of them catch on fire.

Dean sees his chance now that they’re distracted and runs over as close as he dares and yells again as loud as he can manage, “Michael, I’m here, I’m saying YES! Yes, Michael! Do you hear me god damn it?! YES! Take ME!”

Michael eventually hears him, looks over and smiles with his poor half-brother’s ruined face and that bright, hot light that Dean felt back in the Beautiful Room focuses on him, invades him, takes him over, and he is no longer just Dean, he is now MichaelDean. Adam collapses the instant Michael leaves him, legs burnt, body beaten and broken. Another used toy discarded carelessly by the angels as they play out this final game of apocalypse.

MichaelDean stands up straight and tall, rolls his shoulders, and brushes the last crumbling burned bits of his pants leg off, “So Lucifer, here I am now as I was meant to be. Shall we start over?”

LuciferSam looks up from where he’s finishing patting out the flames from his legs. “Michael, this is how it always should have been.” They fall into each other’s arms in a passionate embrace, hugging, touching, lips brushing cheeks, hands in hair, lips finally slotting together.

After what seems an eternity of unbridled joy at their reunion being expressed in a loving, breath-stealing embrace, MichaelDean pulls back to search his brother’s face, “Oh my brother how I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too Michael, so much. I wish we didn’t have to do this to each other.”

MichaelDean meets his eyes, squeezing his shoulders firmly, “I know, but it is our destiny, you know it cannot be changed.”

“Why can’t we both just decide to walk away, together?” LuciferSam pleads, knowing that it useless, but needing to ask anyways, just in case his big brother has somehow impossibly changed his mind.

“I can’t Lucifer, you know I can’t my brother.” MichaelDean gently caresses the side of LuciferSam’s face with the back of his hand, filled with sorrow that he cannot give his brother what he wants.

“I know you won’t my brother, which is not the same thing.” LuciferSam returns the caress, his hand lingering on MichaelDean’s face.

“Well then you know me well.” MichaelDean steps back, reluctantly removing his hands from his brother and straightens himself up to his full height.

“I will always love you Michael.” LuciferSam struggles to hold himself back from reaching for his brother once again, but he gives up when he sees how he stands so challenging, straight and tall before him.

“And I you Lucifer.” MichaelDean nods regally towards his brother, acknowledging all that is between them, but bowing to the duty of their shared destiny.

They step forward formally and embrace a final time, both letting go reluctantly and stand back from each other, getting into a preparatory fighting stance and then the battle is re-engaged. This time the two bodies of the vessels are so in sync after a lifetime of sparring practice and hunting side by side so that they are evenly matched. Even though Sam’s body is so much larger, Dean’s body knows exactly how he fights and where his weaknesses are. Minutes go by as they pound fists into each other, the energies pour out from the impact when they strike each other.

For a while it looks like MichaelDean is making some headway and pummeling LuciferSam a little harder each time. But then the tide switches when LuciferSam gets MichaelDean pushed up against the side of the Impala, a fist drawn back for a final killing blow. The sun hits the windshield catching LuciferSam’s eye and he stops suddenly, a new awareness dawning in his eyes, saying in Sam’s voice. “Dean, Dean are you in there? I’ve got him Dean, I‘ve got him! You’ve got to look in the ashtray in the door in the backseat, look and remember. **Dean please**!”

MichaelDean’s eyes are already facing that way and Dean somehow manages to hear Sam’s words and register what he’s talking about and he sees it, the green plastic army man wedged in the ashtray in the door. And it opens a window suddenly in-between the angel mind of Michael and the human mind of Dean and an avalanche of Dean’s memories comes flooding through, all his years with Sam together growing up in the backseat, everything they’ve ever done in the Impala, all the love, pain, joy, fear, happiness, anger, togetherness and it’s enough. It’s enough of a distraction for Dean to grab control from Michael. “I’ve got him Sam! Do it, you’ve got the rings, quick, you’ve got to open it up.”

Sam tosses the horseman’s rings onto the ground and quickly speaks the words of the spell that Death had taught Dean, and a huge hole opens up, roaring and sucking in what seems like all the air at once. They grab each other around the shoulders and stumble towards the edge, stopping just before it turning to each other. Dean yells to be heard over the roar of the open gateway to Hell, “We’ve both got to jump in don’t we? Michael will never give up otherwise, he’ll just try to get the apocalypse going some other way.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry you have to do this, but I’m glad we’re doing this together Dean.”

“Me too Sammy.”

Sam holds Dean’s head and looks into his eyes as if to memorize his face, “I love you Dean.”

Dean meets Sam’s gaze, doing the same thing, hoping this isn’t the last he’ll ever see his brother alive, “I love you too Sammy.”

They hug each other as closely as possible and fall over the edge together into the spiraling darkness. The hole closes over and with a sucking, final sound all of a sudden it is dead quiet in the cemetery.

Bobby and Cas look at each other in surprise at what they’ve just seen. Neither had expected to see Sam or Dean succeed. They hear a quiet moan and both quickly move to reach Adam. “Can you fix him Cas?” Bobby asks hopefully.

“No, I do not have enough power yet.”

“Then I’ve got to get him to a hospital right away, he’s not doing too well. Can you help me move him?”

“Yes, Bobby, you must take care of him.” They gently move Adam into the van.

“Cas before you go, what happened? Do you know? Is it over?”

“It appears that Dean said Yes to Michael and they both jumped in the Cage together. So yes, it is over, they were successful in caging Lucifer and Michael as well. The Apocalypse has been averted.”

“That’s what I thought. So they’re both just gone, just like that?”

“Yes both Sam and Dean are gone from Earth, from this dimension as I think you call it, as are Michael and Lucifer, all four are in the Cage now.”

“Is there any way to get Sam and Dean out and leave Michael and Lucifer in the Cage?”

“Not that I know of, but I will search out an answer.”

“You do that Cas, and let me know how we do it, okay?”

A sudden loud rustle of wings and a small breeze and Cas is gone.

“Huh, he never did figure out goodbyes. I guess some of his mojo is coming back, too bad it’s not enough to heal you Adam.” Bobby mutters to himself as he drives off to get Adam to the hospital wondering if he’ll ever get to see Sam and Dean again. His heart is heavy and light at the same time. He’s so damned proud of his boys he could just about burst, but he’s sad at what they had to sacrifice to save the world. But when he keeps thinking about it, he discovers that he’s glad that they’re together at least, he can’t imagine trying to take care of either of them if the other was stuck in the Cage.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Dean awakens in the Cage, and groans at the familiarity, it is a whole lot like the Hell he experienced before, he can feel his body, but it isn’t exactly the same as being a living human being Topside. Reality in Hell is more fluid, more open to interpretation and right now his senses tell him he is alone in his own body, Michael is no longer in there with him, and all he can see is an indistinct grayish white glow at the edges of the seemingly infinite horizon. He stands up slowly and turns around to see if there is anything else, and there he is, his brother is collapsed in a heap, not too far away. Dean runs to him and crouches over his body, shaking him awake.

“Sammy, wake up, are you okay?”   Sam groans and opens his eyes slowly, and smiles when he sees it’s just his brother waking him up.  Then he remembers where he is and his eyes fly open into wide panic, “Dean, are we there?”

“Yeah, guess this is the Cage.  Michael’s not on board any more, how about you?”

“No Lucifer as far as I can tell.  That’s

a good thing I guess.”  Sam stands up with Dean’s help as they loosely hold each other’s shoulders, not wanting to lose physical contact in this strange place.

Dean looks up at Sam, trying unsuccessfully to put on a hopeful expression, “Maybe in here they don’t need vessels.”

“You’re right, We don’t need you in here.” Lucifer’s snarky, wheedling voice booms out behind them.

Sam and Dean whirl around to see where the voice is coming from, Dean of course can’t stop himself before he demands, “Fine, then let us out.”

"You avoided your destiny so this must be the result.” Michael intones with a ringing finality.

The angels disappear, which doesn’t mean that they’re gone, just not visible to Dean and Sam.  They sit down together, leaning against each other for support, “Dean is this anything like how Hell was for you?”

“No, except for the way my body feels **_there_** but not really there, it’s different in just about every other way possible.  At least we’re not all beat up from that fight.”

Sam keeps looking around in all directions, “Do you think they’re really gone, or are they just not visible?”

“Oh I’m guessing they’re here, where else can they go right?  But looks like we’re lucky, we get a break from the angel monologuing for a while, those dicks are worse than demons, I swear.” Dean moves closer to Sam so that their hips and thighs touch, hoping that it helps Sam feel safer, he can tell he’s starting to get closer to the edge of freaking out.

Sam smiles over at Dean, and puts an arm around him, squeezing his shoulders gently, thanking him for his words and the physical closeness, “Guess that’s something.  Hey Dean, listen for a second, just in case something happens, I have to say this.  Thank you for coming for me in the cemetery.  You didn’t have to do that.  But I’m really glad that you did.  I don’t know if I could have actually done it without you being there.”

At first Dean can’t answer, stuck in thinking to himself about his panicked drive to Stull, that need to just be there with Sam at the end, no matter what happened, the imperative chant that’d taken over his body _gettoSamgettoSamgettoSam_ ,  “Of course I came Sammy, what the hell else was I supposed to do, just give up?  Us against them all, right?  I’m not happy that I’m stuck in here, but I’m glad that you’re not in here alone at least.”  Dean grins up at him, and returns the shoulder squeeze, hoping that Sam gets it, that he’s not ever abandoning him, there’s no other choice for him to make.

He knows he sure doesn’t want to let go in this strange place so he doesn’t mention it, since Dean’s probably feeling the same way but would never admit it.

“Probably, but I doubt there’s any way to open up the Cage without letting the angels out.  I hope they leave us in here, I don’t think they be stupid enough to take that risk.”

“I would’ve if it was you stuck in here.” Sam answers quietly, knowing that his brother won’t want to hear this.

Dean rolls his eyes and huffs, “Yeah me too, probably a good thing we’re both in here, huh?”

“But Dean you promised me you wouldn’t if I jumped, you promised you wouldn’t try to get me out!”

“I know I did, but c’mon Sam, you know there’s no way I wouldn’t have tried anything and everything to get you out.  I wouldn’t have been able to do anything else.  You know that right?”

“Yeah, I guess I just hoped you’d let me go and try to live a life somehow with Lisa and Ben like you promised me you would.”

“I’m sorry that I promised you that, I shouldn’t have.  That Lisa and Ben thing was just kind of a daydream, a fantasy really, I couldn’t ever just stop being a hunter, it wouldn’t have been right to take the risk involving a family in all this crap.”

“But I saw it in your dream Dean, when we drank that dream root crap.  I saw you and Lisa together, talking about Ben.  You looked so happy, I guess I just wanted you to have a chance to have all that.”

“Sammy, that wasn’t ever what I really wanted, it was just one of a million possible random dreams of mine that you could have ended up in, it’s not like it was ever my deepest wish or something I swear.  It could have been strippers or those twins from Des Moines, remember them?”

“Ugh, how could I ever forget? You told me that story so damn many times, and the brain bleach never worked.”

“I’m not apologizing, you needed to be educated on that stuff, it was my duty as a big brother.”

“Oh that’s what you were doing, I see now.  Well now we have nothing but time, I guess I get to hear all your stories over and over again.  Promise me you’ll make up some new ones?”

“I’ll work on it.  Sam, it’s gonna be hard to stay sane in here, it’s so blank, like there’s nothing.  At least in Hell there was stuff to look at or focus on, no matter how awful it was.”

“We’ll just have to keep each other entertained somehow, wish I’d brought some cards.”

“Oh do not worry about that, we will find plenty to keep you occupied.” Michael’s voice reverberates as if it is coming from everywhere all at once but they still can’t see him.  “We have decided that we will keep you apart for a time and see what will work.”

“No! Please don’t! Dean hold on, hold on to me, don’t let go, don’t leave me!”

“Sam, I can’t, can’t hold on. Sam!”  Dean’s voice is cut off abruptly as he is pulled away by invisible hands and then winks out of existence as soon as he’s not in contact with Sam.  But Sam can hear Dean screaming in pain, after a while it switches to screams of absolute terror which cut off abruptly, leaving only a vibrating silence.  “Dean! I’m here!” Sam shouts over and over until he’s hoarse, he hopes that Dean can hear him wherever he is. 

Dean suddenly reappears just after Sam’s completely out of any voice left to keep shouting.  He’s in a crumpled heap behind Sam panting and breathing noisily.  Sam whirls around and passes his hands over his brother’s whole body, checking him for injuries, it’s just blood everywhere, but no visible injuries he can find.

“Oh God, no, you can’t be, Dean are you alright?”  Dean just groans when Sam cradles him in his arms.  They stay like that for a while, but Sam’s legs fall asleep from the strange position he landed in, he goes to rearrange them and Dean stirs back to consciousness, grabbing tightly onto Sam’s arms. “Sammy, you’re here. Thought you were gone.  Saw them kill you.” 

“No Dean, I’m here, nothing happened to me.  You disappeared and I heard you screaming, then you reappeared.  Whose blood is all this, if you’re not hurt?”

“Yours, they ripped you apart in front of me Sam.  I tried to stop them, but they wouldn’t, I just couldn’t stop them.”

“Oh God, Dean, that’s…” and Sam doesn’t finish because now it’s his turn to disappear.  Dean falls to the floor without Sam’s support.  Dean can hear him screaming endlessly and can’t do anything but shout  in frustration, knowing that they’re probably doing the same damned thing to Sam.  All he can do is yell as loudly as possible, hoping that Sam will hear him, “Sam, it’s not real, I’m okay! God damnit Michael stop it, leave him the fuck alone!”

Michael’s voice reverberates from everywhere and nowhere, in that flat, unreadable, yet harsh tone Dean’s heard before, “That’s not how it works Dean. You’re both in here with us, and we’ve got nothing better to do with our time.  Lucifer is more creative than I’d remembered.  Excuse me I have to get back to Sam.”

Dean begs, shouting in desperation, “No! Come back, take me instead!”

Lucifer’s disembodied voice answers this time in a teasing tone, “Dean you’ll get your turn again, be patient.”

Sam’s screams eventually stop, and then he reappears, blood-covered just as Dean was.  Dean rushes to his side and realizes that this is just the beginning for them, Lucifer and Michael will spend the rest of eternity tearing them apart.  “Sam, Sammy c’mon, you gotta come back to me.” He begs his brother as he holds his unmoving bloody body in his arms.

“Yeah, I’m here Dean.” Sam barely manages to gasp, not yet opening his eyes.

Dean runs his hands up and down Sam’s body, just as their father’s training ingrained in him, it’s a reflex, comforting in its automatic thoughtlessness, he pats Sam’s cheek gently, “Hey, look at me. Whose blood is it Sam?”

Sam opens his eyes reluctantly, “Yours.  It’s yours Dean.  They did the same thing to me that they did to you.  This isn’t going to stop is it?”

“Don’t think so, it’s just starting, we’re just going to have to get through.  I would have thought being stuck with angels in Hell wouldn’t have been as bad as being with Alastair.  I swear they’re worse than all the damn demons put together. We’ll just have to hang in there together.”  Dean pulls Sam in closer, disregarding the stickiness and the coppery metallic smell of the blood.

“I can, if you can.” Sam bravely teases and smiles up at Dean, but doesn’t feel even close to as brave as he sounds.  False bravery may be the only thing they have in here.  Fake it ‘til you make it and all that.

“It’s a deal.” Dean answers, knowing that they’re lying to each other about the  possibility of getting through all this, but what else can they do really, not like there are any escape plans to be made.  That’s the whole point of the Cage after all, a place made expressly to hold one of the most powerful beings they’ve ever encountered.

They fall asleep for awhile, still wrapped up together, legs entwined, arms holding each other close.  It isn’t a peaceful sleep, but it’s at least some rest.  Then Dean disappears again, and the whole cycle starts all over.  They lose track of how many times and how many different ways the angels rip them apart and put them back together again, the torture is endless and becomes almost mundane, boring in a way.  Whenever they’re left together they hold on to each other tightly for comfort, it’s all they have in the nothing world of the Cage.  No hunger, no thirst, only pain, separation and brief times when they’re wrapped up together as closely as possible.

Michael appears standing over them “We’re doing something different this time, Lucifer and I are bored, you two won’t fall apart the way we want.  Perhaps this will work.”  He leans down and touches the center of both of their foreheads and a purplish light glows from the spot where his fingertips touch their skin. 

The purple light grows brighter and more solid looking until it joins together in-between them forming a twisting writhing conduit.  All of a sudden Dean can feel himself moving out of his mind and into another’s, it must be Sam’s, because all he can see is himself, everywhere he looks, the greatest hits of his life as seen through his little brother’s eyes.  Dean can see himself looming large even as an eight year old, scooping a little Sammy up and swinging him around in the bright sunlight.  He can see himself a little older, treading water in a crappy motel swimming pool, waving his hand and encouraging Sammy to jump in and learn to swim. He sees himself a little older still grinning down and holding Sam close as they light fireworks in a darkened field.

Then the visions change, colored by an older boy’s perception of his big brother as something more than just a brother.  The visions are tinted with an unrequited desire, small observances of an older teenage Dean getting dressed, his body so strong and beautiful, or tinted with jealousy when he sees how he looks coming in from a night out, lips kiss-bitten-swollen, hair mussed and eyes glowing.  Over and over again, getting stronger and stronger, Sam’s desire for his brother practically becoming another character in their story together until the night Sam leaves for Stanford, and then the visions become grayed over, nothing seems as vivid or important, a few flashes where Jess almost reaches a similar level of clarity, but until that night when he’d broken into Sam’s apartment, none of the visions of Sam’s memories that flash through seem to matter as much. 

As soon as Sam’s memories include Dean once again the brightness returns, even through the searing pain of losing Jess in such a horrific manner, that bright knowing vision of seeing his brother as the most desirable person in the world is how Sam’s been seeing the world all these years as they’ve traveled together.  The visions continue up until the cemetery in Stull, where he had held Sam and told him he loved him before they jumped together, and the way that memory looks, even though Lucifer had been in Sam’s mind at the time, that vision of himself telling Sam he loved him is the most beautiful thing he’s seen out of all of it, out of Sam’s whole life. 

“Is that the only time I’ve ever told Sam that I love him?” Dean’s asking himself incredulously, how could that possibly be true?  And did Sam just see the same thing from me? He must have because all of it, that’s how I’ve felt all these years. How is it possible they’ve kept it from each other all this time.  All these questions go unanswered though as Dean gasps when the purple light abruptly winks out and falls back hitting the ground, still tangled up with Sam.

 They turn to look at each other at the same time, their eyes widening as they realize what they’ve just seen, wondering if the other had seen the same thing, terrified at what the other will think or do or say.  And then there isn’t that chance, not even a chance to avoid thinking or doing or saying anything because Dean is suddenly **_gone_**.

**_Just gone from Sam’s arms._ **

And Sam’s alone with Michael standing there looking down at him with actual surprise on the angel’s chiseled face.  “Where’d you take him? Bring him back right now!” Sam demands.

“I did not take him anywhere, and neither did Lucifer.  Dean is no longer in here with us.”

“What do you mean? He’s just gone? Where the fuck is he?”

“I do not know.”  Michael blinks out of Sam’s vision, and now Sam is utterly alone in the nothingness of the Cage.  Left to deal with the loss of his brother’s presence and the overwhelming glimpse of the inside of his brother’s mind, knowing that Dean had the exact same look inside his.  Seeing all the fears, resentments and endless wanting love that Dean has for him, punches through him and warps his sense of reality even further.  Now that Dean is gone, it is all he has. But really all he has is the regret and the wonder at how they have felt this way about each other all this time and kept it hidden. 

Sam isn’t sure if this is the worst torment the angels have come up with yet.  Could they have manufactured all that somehow?  Is it even a little bit true?  And he can’t even ask Dean because he’s not there anymore.  He lets himself hope that Dean is really, truly out of the Cage somehow.  Hoping that Dean is out, and maybe alive, on Earth and living a life tortures Sam so much to even entertain that it is true, that it is possible, that he almost loses all sense of his self. 

Sam’s never felt so alone in his whole life. 

~~~~~~

  Dean awakens in the Impala, feeling like he’s been run over by a tank, slowly opening his eyes and seeing the familiar heaps of cars in Bobby’s yard. It seems to be early morning, by the light, and the fog, and even though he’s a little dizzy, he manages to make it up the back steps into the kitchen, calling out,  “Hey Bobby, you here?”

“Jumping Jack Christ, it worked!” Bobby practically tackles him with a hug, Dean still unsteady on his feet.

“Whoa, whoa, what worked? What’s going on? Where’s Sam? He in here somewhere?”

“Cas got you out Dean, he did it!”  Bobby can’t contain his whoop of joy at seeing Dean whole and alive and he hopes Dean won’t ask about Sam again for a while, let him enjoy it for a second at least.

“That’s great, but where the hell is Sam?”  Dean demands  pulling out of Bobby's hug and stepping back.

“Still there.” Bobby answers him, looking to see if the reaction will be as bad as he expects.

“Still where, The Cage?” Dean asks in a hollow voice that betrays that yes it’s that bad, maybe worse.

“Thought you’d be happy to be out Dean.”  Bobby answers with that useless hope that he's stubbornly held onto that Dean would ever value himself highly enough.

“I am, don’t get me wrong, I am, but Sam’s there **, without me** , and Bobby, he won’t be okay if I’m not there.”  Dean protests desperately.

“Don’t worry Dean, we’ve got a plan.” Bobby tries to placate him.

A fluttering whoosh of wings is heard and some papers blow off the kitchen table.  “Dean, you are here.”

Dean punches Cas in the chin, immediately shaking his hand out “Shit I always forget.  God Damn you Cas!”

“Dean, are you not happy? I got you out.” Cas asks, tilting his head slightly in confusion.

“Cas you left him there!  How could you do that?  Sam’s still there.”  Dean’s furious, how can Cas not know that this is the important thing, **the only thing** that matters to him.

“I know Dean, I was made to choose.”

“You chose to get me out instead of Sam?” Dean paces back and forth in front of Cas, feeling unhinged in his anger.

“Yes Dean, of course I did.”

“Why? You know I can’t, can’t do, can’t be, why Cas?” Dean begs, sounding as broken to himself as he can ever remember.  And he is, he knows he is broken, useless without Sam, and knowing where Sam  is, that he’s all alone makes it about a million times worse.

“Because I knew you could do the next part of what’s required.  I was not as sure of it with Sam.”

“What next part?” Dean stops in front of Cas and throws up his hands dramatically, not getting what the hell he’s talking about.

“You’ve got to find God.”

“Haven’t you already tried that?”  Dean rolls his eyes, Cas has got to be kidding with this right?

"Where is the amulet?”

“What the one I used to wear, that you borrowed when you were on your God Hunt?”  Dean unconsciously feels his chest where the amulet used to always be.

“Yes, that is the one.”

“I thought it didn’t work, that’s what you said.”

“I have new information, that it didn’t work, because it was made only for a human to use.”

“I don’t have it.  I threw it away that day when you gave it back to me.” Dean turns away, his shoulders falling in defeat.  He can’t face them, can’t tell them about one of the things he regrets doing more than anything else in his whole life.

“You what?!” Cas and Bobby both yell in unison.

Dean still can’t turn around and face them and speaks quietly, head bowed, “I know, it wasn’t smart, but yeah, I threw it away, I lost faith in me and in Sam after being in Heaven and seeing what we saw there, and Joshua told us that God told us to stop looking for him, that he wasn’t going to help us and then you’d given up on finding God too Cas, and I just tossed it.”

“Did Sam see you throw it away Dean?”  Bobby pulls Dean’s shoulder, turning him around roughly, demanding an answer through gritted teeth.

“Probably.  We never talked about it, why?” Dean shrugs, trying to appear nonchalant, and utterly failing.  Bobby seeing right through him as usual.

“Dean, you know that probably just about broke his heart right?” Bobby asks sadly.

“Yeah, I know, you don’t need to rub it in.  Not much I can do about it now though is there?” Dean finally looks at Bobby, pleading with his eyes to stop talking about this, it’s hurting too much to even think about it.

“Sam wouldn’t have left it there Dean.  It meant too much to him.” Bobby pats Dean’s shoulder and softens his voice, seeing how much this is tearing Dean up just thinking about it, he sighs, imagining how busted-up Sam must have been.

“What, you think he’d have picked it up?” Dean looks at Bobby with a spark of hope.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m hoping.  And if he did, where would he have put it?”

Dean thinks about it for just a second, there aren’t many hiding places Sam would have had, “His duffel bag, or in the Impala, either of those places.”

“Guess we’ve got some searching to do.  First, let me fix you something to eat.” Bobby moves over to the counter and starts rustling around finding some food for Dean.

“Okay, that sounds good, I’m starving now that I think about it, thanks Bobby.” Dean then turns to Cas, looking at him with a silent question.

“I cannot assist you Dean.  This amulet is not visible to me for some reason.   Here are the horseman rings though, I picked them up on the way out of the Cage, they may come to be useful again at some point. Call for me when you have located the amulet.”  He places the rings in Dean’s hand, nods and then with a whooshing wing sound and plates rattling, Cas disappears.Bobby and Dean roll their eyes at each other, each of them knowing they’re thinking the same thing, that they’ll never get used to Cas’ abrupt manner of exiting.

After breakfast, where Bobby pointedly doesn’t ask him how his stay in the Cage was, instead he tells him about how Adam is doing and where he’s living now, Dean takes the stairs up to their room, the one that Sam and he always stay in when they’re at Bobby’s.  Their duffels are there, one on each bed, like Bobby was just expecting them to turn up at any moment.  He smiles to himself thinking of Bobby holding out hope like that.  He approaches Sam’s gingerly, and opens it slowly,

A faint scent of Sam rises from it as he starts to rustle around stirring up the neatly folded clothes, even the dirty clothes are folded neatly for chrissakes.  He unfolds everything, checking all the pockets, feeling for hidden places that Sam might have made in the duffle to hide something in. His fingers touch a rubbery feeling cylinder and he pulls it out, but nope, not a hairbrush as he’d thought, but instead a rather alarmingly large black dildo.  Dean can’t help himself saying out loud in his leering teasing voice that hadn’t been used in a long time, “Sammy I had no idea you were into that sort of thing.” 

But no amulet that he can find anywhere in the bag. 

He tries to hold back the tears that he can feel building up, that everything Sam ever had is right here in this one bag, which just seems so colossally unfair, and Sam’s not even here to bitch at him about going through it.  He’s not ever going to be unless they can find the amulet and find God.  He suddenly feels so far away from Sam, so he gives in and takes off his shirts, replacing them with one of Sam’s tees.  He stands up and takes off his jeans and boxers and pulls on a pair of Sam’s faded black knit boxers.  The scent memory of Sam assaults him then, he’s surrounded by it.  All he can do is let himself sink down into the pile of Sam-scented clothes and breathes it in as he cries, missing his brother, grieving the loss more now that he knows what they could have been to each other, desperately mourning the fact that he’d ever given up and thrown the damn amulet away in the first place.  Finally the tears stop as he talks himself into trying, they haven’t looked everywhere.  He can’t give up yet.

Dean repacks the duffel, pulls his jeans and over shirt back on, washes his face off in the bathroom and comes back downstairs slowly and finds Bobby at his desk, “Not in the bag, guess the car is next, you helping or what?”

They spend the day tearing apart the Impala, going through every last hidey-hole and secret compartment.  It hasn’t been this cleaned out and empty in a long time, not since when Dean was rebuilding her after the semi-truck accident.  It’s almost full dark when Dean’s done in the back seat, as he’s getting out he spots the plastic army man wedged in the ashtray and touches it thinking about how it had been the trigger to stop Michael and Lucifer.  He starts to tear up, the weight of the worry about what’s happening to his brother hitting him hard.  Dean touches the army man and whispers “Don’t give up Sammy, please.” 

Dean wipes his eyes and takes a deep breath before unfolding himself from the back seat, “Don’t think it’s in here Bobby.”

“Yeah, that woulda been just too damned easy.  Guess we’ll have to use other means to find the damned thing, I’ll go start up a list of possible names for you to go check out.”  Bobby hauls himself up off the workbench stool and goes back through the yard and into his house.

 Dean stays outside to tidy up and get the car ready to leave in the morning.  When he’s all done, with a bag of trash from the Impala to throw into the big bin, and almost a load of laundry’s worth of clothes dug out of various spots in the car he heads out into the open yard and looks up into the clear, starry sky.  There’s nothing that reminds him more of Sam than looking up at the stars at night.  He turns around and gets up onto the hood of the Impala, lying back on the windshield in the usual position. 

It doesn’t feel right being there without Sam, but he still feels closer to him, can almost hear him pointing out the various constellations and telling their stories for the millionth time, can practically feel Sam’s big warm shoulder braced against his. 

“I’m not giving up Sam.  Not ever, you hear me? I’m gonna get you out.” He yells into the empty yard, feeling instantly foolish.  Of course Sam can’t hear him, but Dean means it, he’s not giving up, not when there’s still any chance of getting Sam out.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s been months of searching now.  Bobby’s called every one of his contacts to see if the amulet has happened to turn up anywhere.  Dean’s made so many trips to check out possible leads he’s starting to lose track.  A couple of psychics that were supposed to be good at finding lost objects, one in Philly and one all the way in Seattle, a hoodoo woman near New Orleans who was renowned for being able to find the object of your desire, all bust, no help at all.  Bobby’s running out of names to suggest, and there’s nothing left in Dad’s journal that’s at all helpful. A rising sense of panic and frustration starts to overwhelm Dean now, knowing that his brother is stuck in the Cage without him, and that Lucifer and Michael must be even angrier that he escaped somehow. 

Dean tries not to think about it, that those angel dicks are taking their frustrations out on Sam. But it’s inevitable that he replays everything the angels had done to both of them while he was there in the Cage.  And it must be even worse, because Dean’s not there but Sam is, alone.  Sam’s been in Hell longer than Dean had been at this point, and Dean won’t let himself think about his brother breaking down and giving in like he did.  There’s no way he’s letting himself think that Sam would pick up the knife and start torturing or if they’re even offering that as an option for him to choose.  Dean hopes with everything he’s still got that Sam can hold out longer than he had been able to.  He remembers the solace they were able to give to each other in-between the torture sessions and now Sam doesn’t even have that to rely upon.  He’s not there for Sam like he should be.  The more time goes by, the more the guilt starts to become a heavier and heavier load for Dean to bear.

The only comfort Dean has is that he can tell that Sam isn’t dead, he’s convinced himself that he would know that, just know it somehow deep inside, like he had after Cold Oak.  Of course he’d had Sam’s dead body lying in front of him for proof, but still, he did not feel the same way, an empty cold place in his chest, a tugging, pulling absence was the way he described it to Bobby when he was begging for him to help find some African Dream Root.  It’s the only solution he’s been able to come up with after all these months.

The way Dean figures it, since Sam isn’t dead, then he’s still alive and presumably able to dream, since humans can’t live without dreaming.  Dean remembers dreaming during his short time in the Cage and his longer time in Hell.  The question is whether or not he’ll be able to get past the Cage itself into Sam’s dream world.  There isn’t anyone to ask, no rule book on using African Dream Root to enter a human’s dreams who is trapped in a Cage constructed by God to contain an archangel.  Unfortunately.  So all he has is a glimmering of hope, a twinge that says that it might possibly work.

 Bobby finally agrees even though it’s such a gamble to take the stuff,  there’s likely a risk of Dean getting trapped again in the Cage, even if just in a dream state, “Dean as connected as you two always were, I wouldn’t count you out for being able to get through to him, alright let’s find some of that crap.”

Dean has to drive around to several of Bobby’s contacts before finding some African Dream Root for sale, but get it he finally does, and then he finds the closest motel room, bringing in both his and Sam’s duffels.  He knows that taking the potion truly is a long shot, and a big risk, but it seems at least worth trying.  It’s the only thing he can to do to try to save Sam, as far as he’s concerned there isn’t anything else worth doing. 

Teasing out enough hair into the palm of his hand he picks up the cup with the dream root concoction, gets comfortable on the edge of the bed and adds Sam’s long brown hair to the cup.  It sizzles a little and then there’s nothing for it left to do but drink, so he does.  The taste is as vile as he remembered, and he suddenly finds himself falling through a staticky barrier backwards for a long while until he lands on the bed , body still buzzing and sizzling all the way through. 

Sitting up and looking around he wonders why it didn’t work, but then he notices the differences.  It seems to be a slightly different motel room, this looks more like the last one he and Sam had stayed in, the night before Detroit, all that time ago.  And the bathroom door is closed, he can hear the water running and see a strip of light coming from underneath.  His hopes rise as the water clunks off and he can hear someone moving around.

 The door opens suddenly and a completely naked Sam walks out.  “Oh, I didn’t know you were here, sorry.” Sam gulps in surprised embarrassment and shoots back into the bathroom to grab a towel coming back out as he wraps it around his waist. 

“I wasn’t here.” Dean says as matter-of-factly as he can manage after seeing his brother in all his naked glory.  “This is your dream, and I came to visit, used African Dream Root to get here. Hi Sam.”

“Dean, it can’t be you! I’m in Hell in the Cage right?”

“Yeah, as far as I know that’s where you are.  But you’re still alive enough to be dreaming so here I am.”

Sam doesn’t know what to say, he’s embarrassed that Dean’s in his subconscious dreaming mind, with all the un-tethered thoughts running around, who knows what he’ll see.  But all of that is overwhelmed by the fact that it’s Dean and he’s here and he’s missed him so much he almost couldn’t feel anything anymore.  “You’re here, I can’t believe it’s really you.”  Sam crosses to him and pulls Dean in close, hugging him hard and rough and desperate, who knows how long Dean will really be here.  Or how long before Michael and Lucifer figure it out and get rid of him by waking Sam up. 

Dean looks up at Sam, who isn’t letting him go, not for anything and Dean totally understands, he’d be doing the same damn thing if he was the one stuck in here without Sam, “Sam, uh I’m here for a couple reasons, besides just coming to see you.  I need to tell you that it was all true, what Lucifer and Michael showed you about uh, how I feel about you.  And I realized that you might not know it since things are so strange here in the Cage.”

Sam looks down into Dean’s eyes, searching to see that truth he’s been hoping for, and yeah there it is, couldn’t be plainer, Dean can’t hide it from him anymore now that he knows where to look, “You were right, I didn’t think it was the truth, thought I’d made it up to make myself have something to feel happy about in here.  So thanks for coming here to make sure I knew.  And, uh I feel the same way, but you already knew that right?”

Dean smiles his heart-breaking one-sided smile, “I was pretty sure, but not 100%, so uh, good to know.”

Sam hugs Dean close again, moving his hands up and down Dean’s back, almost massaging him “You’re really here with me, really here.”

“Yeah Sam I’m here.  Cas could only get one of us out, and he picked me, and Bobby and I have been trying everything we can think of.  I’m not giving up, not ever, you gotta hang in there for me.”

“I’ll try Dean, I’ll really try.”

“We’re stuck though, we have another thing to try that Cas actually suggested, but we need the amulet, you know the one I threw away,  I know it’s a long shot, but you didn’t happen to dig it out of the trash in that motel room, and keep it did you?”

Sam looks like he’s about to cry, struck with the sudden tearing memory of his brother throwing it away (which had really felt like he was throwing **_them_** away), giving up on him like that, “Yeah, of course I did.  It’s at Bobby’s”

“I knew it! I knew you wouldn’t let that thing just go, weren’t as stupid as me throwing away something that meant so much.  Where at Bobby’s Sam, where is it?”

“You know those owl figures in the living room?  I hid it in the one on the right.”

“I’m sorry you know.  I can’t really ever say how sorry I am that I did that Sammy. “  
“I know Dean, I forgive you.” Sam leans down and presses a light kiss to Dean’s lips, just a kiss of forgiveness, nothing else.  Dean closes his eyes and leans into his brother, making a quiet hmmm of happiness accepting the unexpected grace of his brother’s forgiveness.

“Thanks Sammy.  This dream root stuff should be wearing off soon.  Anything else you want to tell me?”

“Besides get me the fuck out of here? Or to tell you I miss you like breathing? Something like that?”

“Yeah, well right back at you.” Dean leans up and kisses Sam with a question on his lips, “Think it will be like this when you’re out Sammy?”  Sam opens his mouth to answer and Dean takes advantage swooping in with his quick agile tongue, wrapping it around Sam’s and pulling off to suck and bite gently at his lower lip.

Sam can barely bring himself around enough to answer through the haze of pleasure and happiness and right-ness of finally getting to kiss his brother, even if it is just in a dream, “Guess we’ll have to see.  Hope so.  It’s kinda up to us isn’t it?”

“You’re right it is up to us.  I don’t know if it’ll help, but hold on to that Sammy, maybe it will help you hang on in here a little longer.  This is going to work, I know it.  Thinking I’m going now, bye Sam, don’t ever forget that I love you, I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye Dean, I love you too.  Thanks.”

Dean winks out, passing back through the static and fuzz and falling upwards this time and is back in his still buzzy feeling body, lying sprawled out on the motel bed with a raging headache and his lips tingling with the memory of his brother’s kiss.  He takes a few Advil, drinks a big glass of water and calls Bobby, “yeah it worked, you were right, he kept it, he says it’s in one of those brass owl statues in your living room, the one on the right.”

Dean hears Bobby banging around and a clear metallic ringing sound, then Bobby’s triumphant, “Hah! Got it!  You coming back here or what?”

Calculating how long it will take, Dean answers, “I’ll be there in a day and half.”

“I’ll be waiting. Drive careful kid.”

“Thanks Bobby.”

Dean smiles to himself and leans back into the Impala’s seats “Get me there quick Baby, we’ve got us a Sammy to find.”

Dean arrives sooner than he’d thought, but it still feels twice as long as it should, the same _gottagettoSamgottagettoSam_ internal chant starting up once again.  He pulls up to the familiar crowded yard and is out of the car before the engine’s even fully stopped and is on the porch, hand on the door knob , walking in before the headlights have fully dimmed.

“Bobby, I’m here, where is it?”  Dean calls out as he steps into the house, searching the cluttered room for any sign of Bobby.

“’m in here boy, hold your horses.”  Bobby hollers from the kitchen.

Dean rounds the corner, feeling so on edge, as if something big is about to happen, which is weird because he’s just here in the same old house he’s spent so much time in.  But then there he is, at the sink, turning, smiling gruffly and reaching into his pocket.  Bobby holds out the amulet to Dean.  Dean’s eyes go wide and he reaches for it quickly, that bell-ringing right-ness going off again as his skin touches the warm metal.  He holds it up so he can see the detailed little face he’s missed so much.  “uh thanks.”

Bobby’s face warms up and softens as he sees the emotion Dean is trying to hide “No problem, glad we finally found it.  Ready to call him?”

“Castiel, we’ve got it, can you come tell us what we’re supposed to do with it now?”

“Hope it doesn’t take him too long, don’t know how long I can really wait after all this.”

“I know, I’m sure he’ll come as soon as he can.”  Bobby offers Dean a beer out of the refrigerator and they sit down at the kitchen table to wait.  Before they’ve had a chance to even take a sip of beer, the familiar whooshing of wings startles them and Cas stands near the stove. 

Without so much as a hello, Castiel launches into his information download about the amulet, “You are supposed to use the amulet to make a Petition of Intercession. It will only work if you are pure of heart and sure of purpose.  That was what Joshua told me.  It seemed to be the most important thing.  Are you pure of heart Dean?”

“How the hell should I know?  Is there a test I can take or something? Oh and hello by the way.”

“Usually that just means you’re not lying about why you’re using the object or spell or whatever.”   Bobby adds, without rolling his eyes.

“Definitely not lying here, and I’m sure of my purpose, getting Sam the hell out of the Cage and back here with me where he belongs.”

Bobby raises his eyebrows at that last bit but wisely doesn’t say anything.  Dean doesn’t notice that his words have maybe been a little bit too honest and revealing.  And as usual most of it goes right over Cas’ head.

Castiel  looks at Dean intently,  no more than usual, “Then the first step is to hold the amulet in your hand and state your reason for wanting to find God.  Make it as succinct and clear as possible.”

“How do you think I should put it Bobby?”

“Cas, is this like with demon deals, where the language has to be precise otherwise there’s consequences?” Bobby asks.

“The only consequence is that if the language is unclear, you will not get an answer.” Castiel pronounces.

“No pressure then, okay, here goes nothing.”  Dean quickly finishes his beer, stands up, arranges himself, takes in a deep breath, holds the amulet in his right hand and clearly states.  “My reason for wanting to find God is to ask him to release my brother Samuel Winchester from Lucifer’s cage.”  Dean winces in anticipation of a heavenly lightning bolt or some dramatic touch, but nothing happens.  “Did it not work? Wasn’t I clear enough?” Dean asks with no small amount of desperation in his voice.

“Patience Dean, there’s a protocol for asking and answering, there are many layers your message is being passed through and back again.  Here it comes.”

A fluttering whoosh, and a new person is standing in Bobby’s living room, a young woman with long brown hair wearing a smart black pantsuit, ignoring the other two, she says straight to Dean, “Dean Winchester, your request has been received, are you prepared for your answer?”

“Cas, am I?” Dean stage whispers loudly to Cas.

“Yes Dean, say yes, quickly.”

“Yes I am prepared for my answer.” Dean says all in a rush.

“God requests your presence at this address on Monday at 2pm, local time.”  A fluttering whoosh, and she’s gone, leaving behind a small printed card in Dean’s surprised grasp.

“What’s it say Dean?” ask Bobby, wondering what all the quick in and out of the messenger angel could mean.

“It’s an address in Santa Barbara, California.”  Dean says flatly.

Bobby raises his eyebrows in surprise, “Guess you’ve got some driving to do, what’ll it take, a day or two?”

Dean looks up at him, asking with a plea in his voice, “You’re not coming?”

Bobby shakes his head and smiles at Dean, “Don’t think I’m invited, right Cas?”

Castiel nods in agreement, “You are correct, only Dean, as he was the one to make the request.”

“Awesome.” Dean groans sarcastically.

“You are not pleased?  Dean, you have been granted an audience with God.”

“Shit, is that what she meant?  I thought it was a, well, I don’t know what I thought.  Bobby, what the hell am I doing?”

“What you boys always do for each other, anything and everything possible or impossible to save each other.”

Dean rubs the back of his neck and says sheepishly, “Guess we do that a lot.”

Bobby gives Dean a patient smile, “Yeah you do, sometimes it’s pretty damn entertaining, but a lot of times it just gives me heartburn.”

“Sorry ‘bout that Bobby, but you know how it is with me and Sam.  It’s my job taking care of him.”

“That too I guess.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Dean, I know he’s your brother and your responsibility, but I ain’t blind.  Any fool can see you two love each other way past what’s normal.  Of course you’re going to do this, what else can you do, he’d do the same damn fool thing.  Just be careful, wouldja?”

Dean’s not sure how to respond at first, Bobby stating everything so plainly like that, he’s unsure of what exactly Bobby’s seen to make him think they’re more than normal brothers.  He decides to be honest, pure of heart even, “Yeah, you’re right Bobby, and I’ll be as careful as I can.”

Bobby grins, proud as any father could be “You do that, and you call me soon as you know anything.”

“Will do.”

“Dean, tell Sam something for me, I no longer consider him an Abomination.” Castiel adds abruptly.

“Uh, okay Cas, sure.  Any advice on meeting God?  Is there some protocol or anything I have to do special?”

“No Dean, the only thing you must do is to speak truthfully, He’ll know otherwise, and it will not help make your case.”  Cas looks somewhat wistful, he was looking for God for quite a long time, and now it is Dean instead who will be finding Him after all.

“I’ll tell Him hi from you, ‘kay Cas?”

“Thank you Dean.” Cas nods almost imperceptibly and then disappears in a whoosh of feathers. 

“I will never get used to that as long as I live.”  Dean grumbles.

“So. you leaving right away?”

“Yeah, I want to get as far towards Salt Lake City by tonight as I can.  Thanks for everything Bobby, I’ll let you know what happens one way or the other.”

Bobby clasps Dean on the shoulder, “I have a good feeling about this Dean, I’ll see you and Sam soon.”

It’s strange being in California again, after so many years of avoiding it so completely.  He remembers all those trips to monitor how Sam was doing at Stanford, bitter taste of defeat and rejection coloring everything.  There’s so much beauty here, he recognizes as he drives through the edge of the Mojave Desert, and he’s cut himself off from it so he wouldn’t have to revisit those deeply buried feelings.  He and Sam built something for themselves, over the ashes of Sam’s life that he lived here separate and apart from Dean, and that shifting, unknown layer between Sam’s life with him, and without him is never comfortable to think about. 

“It figures with my luck that God lives here.”  Dean chuckles to himself.

Santa Barbara is sunny and nice and boring, oil derricks twinkling off in the distance off the coast, and so many motels to pick from.  He chooses one that’s on the other side of the freeway from the ocean, much cheaper that way, and settles in for the night with some great-smelling takeout from the Mexican place down the street.  A single this time, to save a little more money, and he feels uncomfortable without that extra bed in the room, like there isn’t a space for Sam, no open invitation to return. 

First things first though, he settles in on the one bed with a pen and his journal, intending to sketch out the case he’ll be making to God for why Sam should get a free pass out of the Cage.  Listing all the reasons why it’s unfair that his brave brother ends up suffering to keep the whole world going, when God could have stopped the whole thing himself. 

_1._ _Sam is a good person, he always tried to do the right thing_

_2._ _He always had faith, in God, in me, in the hope that we could stop the Apocalypse_

_3._ _Sam never forgave himself for starting the Apocalypse_

_4._ _He was manipulated and tricked by Azazel and his minions his whole life_

_5._ _He admitted his failures and tried to make amends for them._  

 

And when it comes time to write the last one, he hesitates, because he’s not sure how God will take this.  Of course if God knows everything, then he already knows this, but writing it down, admitting it to the blank piece of paper is something altogether different.  But he does it, because this is Sam, and there’s no point holding back, because **_he’s everything_** , the only reason Dean’s got left.

He fills in number six, pressing very hard on the pen, practically inscribing the words into the paper.

**_6._ ** **_I love him.  I sold my soul for him.  I’d do it again._ **

Dean laughs at himself for being so emotional about a few words written down, but it’s the real deal, and he knows it for sure now.  No hesitation.  No more regrets.  When he gets Sam back, they’re going to be together, like they always should have been, and just the barest thought of that is enough to make him feel a curl of desire begin deep in his belly.  Sam will be his, all his.  And he’ll be Sam’s too, which just the thought of makes the feelings of lust and desire quadruple.  He struggles a little with it, like he has what seems like practically his whole life.  Just sitting there wanting his brother,  feeling this overwhelming  desire and yes, he’ll admit it, lust, is so strong, but it is not the only feeling, not the most important one. 

Dean reads over the short list he’s written, going over everything to see if he’s left out anything important and closes his eyes for awhile, just to picture his brother, whole, alive, smiling at him from the passenger seat where he belongs; and doesn’t wake up until the next morning, face pressed into the journal, pen still clutched in his hand.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean eventually figures out the driving instructions to the address on the card the angel gave him with the help of Google maps and Sam’s computer.  He can practically hear Sam bitching at him to only use Google and not any of his other virus-laden porn sites, it makes him grin just thinking about how easy it was to wind Sam up with that shit.  He can’t contain his hope at this point that he’ll get to do it to him live and in person soon.

 His destination isn’t down in this low-rent part of town of course, but up in the steep hills and canyons above Santa Barbara, where the ranchos of the rich spread out and sprawl on the hillsides.  Before it’s time to head out for his appointment, he calls Bobby one last time, but he’s not there.  Dean’s slightly disappointed because he needed the boost of hearing Bobby’s familiar gruff voice.  So he leaves a short message anyways, “Bobby, I’m just leaving now, wish me luck.  I’ll call you when I know anything.”

He can’t eat anything even though he’s kind of hungry, trying not to admit to himself how damn nervous he really is.  Then all of a sudden it’s time to leave, if he wants to be there on time, so he checks his pocket one last time for the amulet, looks over his written list again, smiling to himself at the last thing he’s written, and puts on his favorite red over shirt, takes a swig out of his flask, and he’s out the door, checking out of the motel and pulling out onto the road. 

“Just like any other gig, right?”  He tells himself, trying to reach down for the mojo that usually gets him through tough spots like this.

After a relatively short drive, listening to some old Muddy Waters tape that Sam used to always like, he’s soon pulling up at the address where he encounters a gate (not at all pearly how about that), with a speaker intercom.  He quickly rolls his window down, takes a deep breath to steady himself and pushes the button and soon hears an unremarkable voice asking “who is it?”

As loudly and strongly and with as much confidence and bravado as he can manage, “Dean Winchester, I was invited.”

“Drive on up, park next to the other cars.”  A buzzer sounds and the gate slides back on its track slowly.  Dean drives up the winding small road that goes up a little hill and down into a hidden valley filled with oaks and grassy meadows.  There aren’t any people he can see, or anything manmade looking besides the road, then around a last corner and he sees the house with a circular drive out front with several cars parked already. 

“What? Is God havin’ a party or somethin’?” he nervously jokes to himself, parking next to an enormous deep navy Bentley.  The last time he saw cars like this was at a car show he’d dragged Sam to on one of their yearly pilgrimages to Vegas.  There’s a vintage Porsche, a fairly new Ferrari and a brand new bright green Volkswagen Bug.   He chuckles at that last one, wondering whose kid it belongs to.

He takes one last breath of the familiar air of the Impala, touches his hand briefly to the spiky lump in his pocket that is the amulet and gets out quickly. The house is huge (of course), sprawling, a one story ranch house with a traditional tile roof and thick adobe style walls, there is a beautiful courtyard filled with sweet and spicy smelling flowers and herbs with a rich clay tile underfoot.  The door is one of those old Spanish Mission style affairs, heavy with iron fittings and a big doorknocker in the shape of a dove.  Dean takes a deep breath and lifts his hand up to work the doorknocker just as the door is flung open wide, revealing a smiling Chuck.

“Chuck! Hey! What the hell are you doing here?” Dean exclaims, pulling him in for an enthusiastic man hug.

“Hey Dean, well, I’m the one who invited you.” Chuck pulls back from the hug and looks up at him with a sardonic smile.

“Uhhh.” Dean can’t formulate a response more coherent than that, because there isn’t anywhere in the universe this can make any sense at all.  But before he has a chance to try to answer Chuck, er God, he hears another familiar voice, suddenly coming from behind him, “Hullo Dean, come to bring me my ring back have you?”

Dean turns around quickly, “Eh, Hello, Mister, uh, Death.  Yes, I’ve got your ring right here, thanks for the use of it. It really worked, just like you said, well you probably know that already, anyways, thanks, here you go.”  Dean pulls the four horseman rings out of his pocket and separates Death’s ring, placing it in the gaunt old man’s hand gently.

“You’re welcome, I thank you for returning it unharmed.”  Death glides out of the hallway and through some open French doors onto what looks to be a large patio, both Dean and Chuck turn to watch him go.

Chuck turns back to Dean and that gives Dean the chance to ask, “Chuck, are you really God?  Or is this Chuck’s body that you’re using? I’m so confused who I’m talking to here.”

“It’s me Dean, there wasn’t a human named Chuck Shurley, I created him for my own purposes.  I thought if I wrote the next gospel down myself there would be less chance of it getting as misinterpreted and screwed up.  Turns out writing is harder than I thought it would be.”

“So what? You always look like this?”

“No sometimes I look like this” Chuck waves his hand across his face and turns into Crowley.

“What, wait a minute, you’re Crowley too?”

“Yes, when I need to be.  Its fun to play the bad guy every once in a while.  See who I can tempt with what.  Test people’s loyalty, that sort of thing, just making sure I’ve left the right people in charge.”

“But how did Cas not know it was you?”

“Dean, I’m God, all-powerful, all that, so when I want you to know something you know, and if I don’t, then you don’t.” He switches back to the Chuck body.

“Oh right, gotcha.  Well, nice to meet you, uh, what should I call you?”

“God or Chuck is fine, whatever works for you.  I’m just glad you’re here Dean.”

“Me too.  Uh, thanks for inviting me.”

Dean turns as he hears someone else come into the entryway, and is surprised to see Jesse the Anti-Christ, looking much older than he had just a few years ago, still on the small side, with big earnest eyes and a hesitant smile.  “Hey Jesse, wow it’s good to see you.”

“Hi Dean, it’s been awhile, how are you?”

“Not too good, but you all know about that don’t you.  It’s why I’m here and all.”

“Yeah we know Dean, I’m glad you asked for help.”  Jesse smiles up at Dean, now looking genuinely happy to see him.

“So how about we all go out onto the patio and have ourselves a talk?  We’ve got some snacks that Death brought for us, he always finds the best junk food out there.”  Chuck motions Dean out through the enormous great room to some huge doors that are open to an expansive tiled patio.  Comfortable benches and seats are arranged in various locations, all turned towards the beautiful view of the green valley and the Pacific Ocean sparkling off in the distance.  One table has food on it, and Death is already seated there, so Dean heads towards it, taking deep breaths and trying to calm down, he’s in the presence of God _(Chuck/Crowley what in the ever-lovin’ fuck?!)_ and Death _(no big deal, just hanging out with Death, again)_ and The Anti-Christ _(just a kid, just Jesse)_ and it’s almost too much.  He dials himself back into badass-I-can-handle-anything mode because he needs to do this and get through it for Sam.

“Dean here try these dill pickle chips from Florida, I think you’ll enjoy them.” Death offers him a greasy white bag that smells heavenly _(hah!)_. 

“Uh, thanks, that sounds good.”  Dean takes a seat and tries one and his eyes close in bliss, they really are amazingly good.  “Wow those are terrific, I have to say you have great taste in junk food.”

“From one connoisseur to another, I thank you for the compliment.” Death inclines his head regally in Dean’s direction, with just a hint of a sardonic smile.  Jesse and Chuck choose seats and take some of the pickle chips also.

“So Dean, you’re here because you had a request I believe, why don’t you restate it for us all?”  Chuck asks, smiling gently towards Dean.

Dean gathers himself together, remembering just a few days ago standing there with Bobby and Cas, he touches the amulet through his jeans pocket, takes a deep breath and says, “My reason for wanting to find God is to ask him to release my brother Samuel Winchester from Lucifer’s cage.” 

“I heard your request, and wasn’t sure why you’d ask this of me, so that is why I requested your presence here with us.  Death and Jesse were willing to sit in on this conversation since they know about you and your brother.”

Death nods slightly and Jesse smiles encouragingly at Dean.

“So, uh, what do you want me to say?”  Dean's totally at a loss here, doesn't know what the protocol is, doesn't want to screw up this one chance to save Sam.

“Well, explain further why I should change everything around just to suit you?” Chuck replies with an encouraging yet challenging look on his face, gesturing with a come on, come on twist of his hands.

Dean takes a deep breath and recites his six reasons that he’d written down last night, emphasizing the sixth one.  It feels even more powerful saying it out loud in God’s presence, “ **I love him.  I sold my soul for him.  I’d do it again.** ”  He finishes and realizes his eyes are wet with tears, he blinks them back squaring himself to hear God’s answer.

“I see, that is a good case, but Dean there is the natural order to think of, and an exception to it has already been made for you on more than one occasion.”

“But Chuck, God, sir, you made us to be together, soul-mates remember?  We aren’t any good apart.  I’d rather be back in the Cage with him than here without him.”

Death raises his eyebrows theatrically high and asks sharply, “Are you serious about that Dean?”

Dean quickly turns to look Death square in the eye, “Yes sir, yes I am. I’ve never been so serious in my life.”

“You’d really do that Dean?  Go back into the Cage just to be with your brother?” Jesse asks, his voice cracking on the question.  The Anti-Christ has to go through puberty too apparently, Dean thinks randomly, trying not to smile.

“Yes Jesse, I really would.  I can’t stand the idea of him being there being tortured by Lucifer and Michael for eternity without me.  It’s just not fair that I’m here and he’s there.”

“I know Michael and Lucifer are probably pretty unhappy in there, and I know that it seems unfair Dean.  But Sam’s sacrifice was part of the plan all along.”  Chuck says firmly and without a trace of humor.

“Well your plan sucks.” Dean retorts flatly.

Chuck raises his eyebrows in surprise to be talked to this way by a human, but he’s certainly heard worse from Dean before, “Oh does it now? Do tell.”

“Yeah it really does.  You could have fixed all of this, at any point, why put us all through all that shit anyways?  Did you really want the world to end or is it all a big game to you or something?”

“No Dean, it’s not a game, it’s just how it’s supposed to be.”

“What, Fate? Fuck that, if you’re all-powerful, then you can change whatever you want.  Why won’t you?”

“For the sake of The Balance Dean.  It’s as simple as that.”

“But it’s not balanced, it’s out of balance, that’s the whole problem!  The angels you left in charge didn’t know what they were doing, and Michael isn’t supposed to even be in the Cage, how is any of that in balance?”

“The one who began it is in the Cage, that’s how.”

“But I began it! I’m the one who broke the first seal.  I should be there, not Sam!  And what the hell kind of reward is that for sacrificing himself for the sake of saving your world to be tortured for eternity?  Maybe angels can handle something like that, but humans can’t.  Not what they’re doing to him in there, no way. Couldn’t you count it as time served or something?  It probably already feels like forever to him at this point.” Dean’s breathing hard after all that, and he feels this pit in his stomach opening up getting wider and wider as no one says anything.  Deep down he’s disgusted with himself for begging like this, but its Sam’s life he’s begging for, what else is he supposed to do?

Death interrupts the heavy silence, “I think Dean has a point, if anyone it should have been him there In the Cage, so The Balance never was righted and it is not correcting anything having Sam in there, as long as Lucifer and Michael remain contained.  Sam being there is not helping The Balance get closer to right again.”  Death offers in his dry unimpressed tone.

“Hmmm, you might have a point there. What do you think Jesse?”  Chuck inquires.

“Dean and Sam deserve to be together, after all they’ve done, and how they were created in the first place, it is right that they be together.”  Jesse states simply, turning to look straight at Dean, smiling.  Dean can see how much he’s grown since they last saw him, he’s not a little kid anymore and he can tell that Jesse’s grown into his job, whatever the hell that might be.

“Thanks Jesse.”  Dean says quietly to Jesse, meeting his kind eyes.

“Dean, I saw how you and Sam are together, in all my travels over these years, I haven’t seen any couple like you two.  You’re extraordinary.”  Jesse says the last with real reverence in his voice.

“It is true God, they are unlike any other humans I’ve encountered, they’ve fought against their destiny and made their own path through all the crises you’ve ever thrown at them.  A heavenly reward doesn’t seem like too much to ask really after all they’ve done.”  Death finishes up with emphasis on the last bit.  They all look towards Chuck to see how he’ll answer.

Chuck sighs heavily, “Let me consider this for a bit.  I will return in just a little while.” Chuck gets up and goes back into the house.

“Well that’s just peachy.” Dean grumps.

“Give him a bit, he actually can be fair sometimes.” Jesse says encouragingly.

“Dean you made a strong case, I’m sure he’s considering everything you said.”  Death adds.

“Thanks, I mean it, both of you, thanks for what you said before.  I never thought that I had a chance of having allies at all in this crazy thing.  I’m just, well I’m very grateful.  I owe you both.”

“No, you don’t.  We’ll call it even.  You saved me before remember?” Jesse protests, voice cracking once again.

“Yeah, but I almost got you killed too by telling Cas about you.”

“How is that little guy doing?”

“Little guy?” Dean asks, grinning despite how on-edge and terrified he’s feeling inside.

“I’m just remembering when I turned him into an action figure.”

“Hah! I forgot about that, he’s uh, he’s good I guess.  We don’t see him much anymore.” Dean trails off thinking how much Cas would have loved to be at this meeting.

“I bet he’s busy in Heaven with Michael gone.”  Jesse muses, searching Dean’s face to see if he’s upset.

“So he says, doesn’t tell us much about it.” Dean shrugs, he doesn’t want to think or talk about Cas right now, he’s just worried about Sam and what God is going to decide.

Death clears his throat, getting Dean’s attention, “Dean, you don’t owe me either.  You kept up your end of our bargain, and you returned my ring.  For a human, I find you most trustworthy, and worth speaking up for.”  Death also searches Dean’s face and see’s his surprised acceptance of this compliment.

“Well, uh thank you.  I mean it, thank you.  And Sam will thank you too once God lets him out.” 

“That’s not going to be happening Dean.  I’ve come to the decision that this is the life you, Dean Winchester got as the result of all your choices.  You had free will, you made your choices and now you’re not even accepting the consequences of your choices.   I don’t believe that you’ve grown enough in your understanding of the natural order to deserve yet another second chance. I will not release your brother Samuel Winchester from Lucifer’s Cage.”  Chuck finishes his proclamation and remains standing there looking down at Dean’s shocked expression as impassively as a marble statue.

Dean leaps up, yelling down into Chuck’s face, “No wonder no one believes in you anymore! I can’t believe you’d do this to someone who believed in you his whole damned life.  You saddled him with this destiny, and he did exactly what you wanted, why does he have to suffer forever?  It doesn’t make any fucking sense!”

Jesse jumps up and pulls on Dean’s arm to get him out of yelling mode.  It’s like holding onto a hardly controlled tiger though, Dean just barely containing his urge to smash Chuck’s bearded face to pieces.  Jesse says quietly, “Dean hold on, remember who you’re talking to.”

Dean shakes off Jesse’s hand and growls, “Yeah, I know, it’s useless isn’t it.  Well so that’s it huh?  No chance to get you to change your mind then?”

“No Dean, there really isn’t.” Chuck says, with a hint of sadness, he knows Dean had his hopes up sky high and this is not the result he wanted.

“Well, thanks a lot for nothing, guess I’ll just go then. Oh, can I ask one more question?”

“Sure Dean, go ahead.” Chuck answers, of course knowing full well what’s coming.

“When I swallow a bullet this afternoon, am I going up or down?”

“Up Dean, that’s where you belong.”

“As far away from Sam as you can get me right?” Dean spits out venomously.

Chuck looks up at Dean with immense sadness in his eyes, “No, that’s not what the point of it is, it’s just where you’re supposed to be, The Balance will be restored then.”

“Screw you! Screw The Balance! You’re supposed to be a loving God, what do you call this?”

Dean feels his heart speeding up, his whole body going hot and tight, the adrenaline from the extreme anger and disappointment crashing through his system, he knows he needs to get out of there before he starts swinging or worse.  As useless as he knows that would be.  So he stumbles off the patio, tears of frustration filling his eyes, strides back through the house and is halfway out the front door before Jesse appears before him, halting his progress.  “Hey Dean, can you hold on for a second?  Death and I have something to ask you before you go.”

Dean wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, clears his throat and faces Jesse, “Yeah what is it?”  He says brokenly, feeling more hopeless than he’s ever felt in his whole life.  Death’s there now too, standing next to Jesse, both of them looking up at Dean.

“We don’t agree with God, and we want to offer you an alternative to what was it you said? Swallowing a bullet?”  Death says gently.

“I’m not on your list yet huh?”

“Not quite yet.  Plenty of time left for that.  So would you do us the courtesy to listen Dean?” Death asks patiently.

“Sure, why not.  Isn’t like God left me many options.”

Jesse looks at him brightly, “We’ll get Sam out for you, me and Death, we’ll do it together.”

“You can really do that?” Dean asks, not wanting to let himself let hope in, but it comes in unbidden and curls around his heart warming him instantly.

“Yeah, we think so.” Jesse answers him grinning.

“Well shit then, do it! What are you waiting for?” Dean waves his arms dramatically, as if he’s demanding instant satisfaction.

Death recoils slightly in the face of Dean’s outburst and holds up his hand in a stopping motion, “First things first Dean.  God had a point about you needing to learn that your life is a result of your choices.  But I believe that you also need to learn that your choices are more meaningful than you realize.  You need to understand Dean, that bearing all these burdens your entire life is what is of value.  It is that you’ve borne those burdens that makes you the righteous man worth me helping.  Dean you need to learn to value your own soul.  And you’ll only understand this when you see what would have happened if you hadn’t made the choices that you now regret.”

“How in the world do I do something like that?” Dean asks, not really getting what Death is talking about, but willing to try anything if it will get him Sam back.

“Death says he can do a life review, kinda like in that Christmas movie, “It’s A Wonderful Life.”” Jesse offers helpfully.

“So I go through this, uh life review, and then what?” Dean is beyond skeptical at this point, not seeing how looking back at his life would be worth anything to anyone.  He wishes Bobby were here, he could put it all in terms that Dean would understand.

“We’ll see if you’ve learned what you needed to.  Because I predict that if you don’t learn this, you’ll find another way to upset The Balance even more than you have already by trying something else to get Sam out.” Death looks hopeful that Dean has truly understood what he is proposing, because if he hasn’t, then the chances of him surviving go down to just about nothing.

“You’re probably right about that.” Dean answers smiling to himself, because yeah, he was planning to try the Black Magic stuff that he’d found as a last resort before giving up and swallowing a bullet like he’d told God.

“Learn this lesson Dean and then Jesse and I will get Sam back for you.  I can get his soul, and Jesse will be able to move his body out of the Cage.  Your brother will be returned to you if you can do this.”

“Sounds good to me, let’s do it already.  Oh, but what about God though?”

“He said he’s good with it, said to wish you good luck.  I think he’s sure you won’t be able to do it, but I think he’s wrong.  But one more little request Dean, from me.” Jesse states, sounding just a little unsure at the end.

“A request?” Dean’s confused, what in the world could the Anti-Christ want from him?

“Yeah, when Sam’s back, can I hang with you guys for a while?” Jesse asks, now sounding like the twelve year-old that he is.

Dean smiles reassuringly, pleased that Jesse’s request is something so easy, “Sure Jesse, why not, I’m sure Sam won’t mind.”

“Cool, thanks.” Jesse grins and looks like he’s a kid who just won a new X-Box.

“Dean let’s go back into the house, I believe there’s a room that will suit our purposes very nicely.” Death turns and glides back inside, Chuck’s nowhere to be seen thank God _(thank Chuck?)._ Jesse and Dean follow Death, Jesse bumping into Dean’s hip and smiling.  Dean’s reminded of how Sam used to do that to him when he was twelve just to keep his attention that little bit longer.

“Hey, uh, you think this is gonna work Jesse?” Dean asks quietly, worried that he’s going to fail Sam yet again.  Feeling silly for asking this kid for support, but he’s all he’s got at the moment to draw on.  He has an inkling that this life review is going to be harder than Death’s making it out to be.

“Piece of cake.”

“Not pie huh?”

“Why would it be pie?” Jesse tilts his head a little to the side in question reminding Dean instantly of Cas, and looks up at Dean.

“Uh, I just like pie better than cake.”

“Oh, me too, how about you guys take me out for pie when Sam’s back.”  Jesse generously offering a sweet hope for Dean to grab onto while he dives into the unknown task ahead of him.

“Sure, I found a great place down in town, had the best pie I’ve ever had, it was called “American Dream”.  It was strawberries and blueberries on top of lemon cream cheese with whipped cream.  Awesome.”

“Awesome.” Jesse repeats, grinning up at Dean.

Death’s holding open a door at the end of the long softly carpeted hallway and Dean slows down as they approach, fear of what’s coming  ramping up inside him, but he tamps it down, this is how he gets Sam back, he’s doing this no matter what.  “Come in here Dean, and we will begin.” Death says as he disappears through the doorway. 


	5. Chapter 5

Dean enters the doorway that Death had passed through and sees what looks like a temple or ritual room, a high airy ceiling with clerestory windows letting in all the bright California sun, the heavily plastered walls a rich almost clay color, there’s something that looks like it could be an altar, a long deep purple velvet covered couch and two matching overstuffed chairs are along the opposite wall.  In the center of the room is a deep pool of still clear water, arcane symbols that aren’t familiar are drawn around the edges in gilt and there are four golden rings that look to be affixed to the bottom of the pool. 

The tall candles on the altar blaze up brighter as Death approaches it and speaks too quietly for Dean to hear.  Jesse silently nudges Dean towards the couch and joins Death at the altar.  They both speak in unison in a language that doesn’t sound at all familiar to Dean, not Latin or even Enochian, something older, more slippery and changeable, the syllables weaving in and out and taking form then dissipating.  Dean sits on the edge of the couch and waits, heart pounding in fear.

Finally Death and Jesse turn around to face him, they’re no longer looking encouraging or smiling, but instead have very serious faces.  Dean swallows nervously and tries to steady himself for whatever is happening next.  Jesse motions Dean to stand up, so he does slowly, touching his pocket where the amulet lies, warm and steady.

Death speaks in a low, sonorous, yet ringing tone that resonates and hangs in the still air of the otherwise silent room, “Dean Winchester, you have agreed to undergo an _Anima Recensio_ , if you succeed your reward will be your brother Samuel Winchester, returned from _Cavea Lucifer_.  There may be a need for you to share a portion of your soul if your brother’s is damaged beyond our ability to repair it.  If you agree to these terms, then remove your clothing and enter the _Aquam Terramque Poscere_.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand all the Latin words that you used, can I get a translation before I agree?”

Death answers him seriously, “That is acceptable.  _Anima Recensio_ is essentially Life Review, your major life choices will flash before your eyes, as it does when you expire.  But instead of just watching what actually happened, you will see and experience what would follow on from the choices that you most regret.  You will see what would have happened had you made the different choice that you hold as having been preferable in your subconscious.  The point is for you to take on and battle within yourself your burdens of fear and guilt. Your willingness to be crucified on the cross of your own doubleness and to hold this inwardly is the only way you can be reconciled with God.  It is the classic battle of the hero Dean.  You must take on and battle and reconcile within yourself in order to win the prize.”

Dean thinks he pretty much gets it, but there were other words used that he didn’t understand, “Okay, I think I understand, what about the other words?”

“ _Cavea Lucifer_ is Lucifer’s Cage.  And let me be clear, Sam’s soul will likely be quite damaged as time passes differently there as you know, and he has had the attention of two archangels for quite a while now.  You may have to share a part of your soul with him, like donating a kidney, but the likely result will be a type of soul bonding.  We can’t predict exactly how that will turn out as we cannot know the exact state of Sam’s soul.”

“Alright I can accept that, and the last?”

“The _Aquam Terramque Poscere_ is the pool you see before you, essentially it means Water Clock That Demands Submission.  The four rings that you see will restrain your hands and feet, and you will be held completely under the water during the Anima Recensio.  You will not drown, but it will not be at all pleasant if you take too long to complete the Life Review.  The water drains steadily as it is a Water Clock, a timer of sorts.  You do not want to still be battling in the Life Review when all the water has drained from the pool, it would be likely to kill you.”

“And I have to get naked to do all this?”

“Yes Dean, the water accepts only a human body within it, otherwise its dampening effects are compromised and you would not survive the Life Review.”

“Okay, I agree to everything.”  Dean drops his head, not wanting to look at Death and Jesse as he slowly removes his clothing.  He touches the amulet one last time as he folds his jeans and places them on the stack of clothes _.  “Sammy hold on I’m coming for you, wish you could be with me right now, wish you could go with me.”_ He fervently wishes to himself trying to not completely freak out.  His mind and body give him instead the the now familiar _gottagettoSamgottagettoSam_ internal chant starting up once again.  But it helps, he knows this. He can do this. A hero’s battle can’t be fought by someone who is too freaked out to even stand up without shaking in fear.

Dean walks to the edge of the pool and steps in, lying down and putting his ankles in the two rings at one end of the pool.  He looks up at Jesse who nods and Death who raises his eyebrows.  Dean takes a deep breath and lays down putting his hands through the other two rings.  All four rings contract until he’s held tightly.  He’s underwater, looking up at the beams of sunlight coming through the windows near the ceiling through the last bubbles of his air traveling through the water. 

Dean’s fears leave him with those last bubbles, he knows he’s risking his life here in attempting this, but his life isn’t worth much to him without Sam there to share it with. The cool water is soothing and he doesn’t feel the panicked impulse to breathe quite yet, holding in his mind his soul-deep need to be with his brother again.  He fills his mind with thoughts of Sam, baby Sam, chubby-cheeked toddler Sam, angsty emo pre-teen Sam, before and after college Sam, and the Sam who jumped in the cage.  They’re all there at once, his reason for doing this, his reason for still existing. His last thought is repeating his wish that Sam could be here with him somehow.

He can see Death and Jesse turn back to the altar and then he’s no longer there, he’s pulled by a sharp feeling in his heart that vibrates through his whole being and is holding someone’s hand.  He looks down and sees twelve year old Sammy, grinning up at him.  “Hi Dean.”

Dean’s so startled to see him, this is Sam as he looked as they’d lit those fireworks in that empty field, a Sam filled with joy, untainted by a life of blood and pain and loss.  He’s so small, god he’d forgotten how small Sam had been back then, with those big eyes shining with love and trust.  “Uh. Hi Sammy, what are you doing here? Thought I’d have to be on my own for this.”

“You get a psychopomp, a spirit guide, and I guess you wished for me, so here I am. C’mon get going Dean, it’s starting.”

 They’re standing in Sam’s college apartment, seeing Jessica burn on the ceiling which collapses on Sam, no one is there to rescue him, no one crashes through the door and pulls him out.  Sam comes to and crawls out just before the whole room is completely engulfed in flames.  Dean sees him stagger out the front door, passing out, taken away by ambulance to a burn unit.  He never calls Dean during months of recovery believing that Dean wouldn’t care because they haven’t talked in years.  Azazel gets to Sam in his dreams and turns him much earlier to using his powers, he wins at the battle of the special kids in Cold Oak, killing Jake Talley and accepting the role of Boy King and general of Azazel’s demon army.  The apocalypse starts and Lucifer destroys the Earth.

Dean watches all of this happen in a flash, Sammy’s hand in his a small comfort in the face of such destruction.  The only conclusion he can draw is that his long-held belief that his weakness in going to get Sam at Stanford when he couldn’t take being alone and searching for his father was the worst thing he could have ever done is totally and completely wrong.  He’s always believed (or maybe just hoped) that  there was a real chance that Sam wouldn’t have lost Jessica, that he’d have been okay, normal, a successful happy married lawyer, white picket fence, all that. 

But now he sees that he was wrong.  All this time he’s carried that burden of guilt, that it had all been his fault that Sam was back in the Hunt, that all that’s happened was his fault because he was too weak to let Sam go, to let him have his own life separate and apart from Dean.  He accepts it now, that it was the right thing to do, that his presence in Sam’s life all these past five years actually saved Sam so that Sam could save the whole world. 

Dean looks down at Sammy, “I really saved you by getting you from Stanford back then, it was the right thing to do.”

Sammy squeezes his hand and looks up at him with a proud smile on his face, “Good Dean, you’re doing good, ready for the next thing?”

“Yeah let’s do it.”

Another pull on his heart, pain hits him, radiating through his whole body again and then they’re standing on a dark road next to the Impala, watching Sam walk off angrily with his backpack.  They see Dean go after Sam and drag him back to the car where they keep having a loud argument about searching for Dad.  The Impala turns and they’re driving to Sacramento instead of solving the Scarecrow case.  Sam still meets Meg anyways when he’s researching a possible lead on Dad at a pawn shop.  She gets him drunk in the afternoon, seduces him and convinces him to leave Dean.  At her suggestion he embraces his powers and the same end result happens, Lucifer destroying the world. 

Dean shakes his head at first, he was so sure that if he’d just not left Sam by the side of the road then he wouldn’t have chanced upon Meg, she wouldn’t have been able to follow them, kill their friends, and capture Dad.  He’d always felt so guilty for taking off  and leaving Sam like that when they fought, for stubbornly insisting that they stay and solve the Scarecrow case because Dad had said so.  Because Dad had left them alone for a reason.  He remembers how scared he was that he’d never see Sam again that it would have been the worst thing in the world, and yeah, it really would have been, the world would have ended. 

So now he sees that it wouldn’t have changed anything to not have let Sam walk off and meet Meg at that point, he was going to meet her anyways.  Dean smiles to himself as he remembers that their closeness increased after they were reunited.  How proud he was of Sam for stealing a car and coming to his rescue.  That increased closeness between them kept them together through the hard times that came afterwards, and that had been when Sam had declared “That if they were going to see it through, they were going to see it through together.” 

 Sammy tugs on his hand, “You’re getting it Dean, good, let’s keep going.”

The pain in his heart this time feels like a familiar memory, he’s experienced just this thing before when that rawhead had almost killed him.  Then he’s seeing himself lying in a hospital bed arguing with Sam.  He sees himself convince Sam to not contact any faith healers, to just let him die, which he does, and he sees what happens to Sam.  Sam falls apart completely, and makes a deal with a crossroads demon, bringing Dean back to life but agreeing to do what Azazel wants.  With the same damned end result, Lucifer torching the planet. 

Dean had always felt so guilty that someone had to die by the hands of that leashed Reaper so that he could live.  He never thought his life was worth anything special, that it had made a difference that he had lived instead of that other random person.  Even though the preacher had told him that he had chosen to heal Dean because he could tell that he was “a young man with an important purpose. A job to do that he hadn’t done yet.”  Dean can just barely accept this idea that he’s special or worthwhile, self-esteem never having been one of his strong points.  But he does it now, no matter how hard it is, because he sees now how much of an impact on Sam and his choices he makes, how important it is that he’s with Sam, helping and guiding and just being there for him through it all. 

Sammy’s nodding at him excitedly, pulling him towards the next thing, “You’ve got it now Dean, a few more to go, c’mon!”

Now his heart feels an ache more than a sharp pain, an ache of loss and he knows this is going to be a bad one, a harder one.  There they are in that falling apart cabin facing off against their father, who is demanding the Colt, Sam’s chosen to side with Dean once again, and Dean is pointing that gun right at his father, who hasn’t shown his yellow eyes yet.  And Dean shoots.  The zapping flashes of light go off signaling the death of something particularly nasty, no smoke pours out though, the demon is dead.  Sam rushes to their fallen father’s side and looks up at Dean, with an unsaid “how could you?” written all over his grief-stricken face.   Dean sees himself slide into a dark depression, eventually committing suicide not much longer afterwards.   Meg is at Sam’s side, taking over his place with Sam, taking over control of what Azazel thought to possess.  Dean’s then hell-ward bound as a suicide, where he promptly breaks the First Seal, kicking off the Apocalypse right on schedule.  Sam’s gone darkside quickly, and it all snowballs into the usual endgame of Lucifer wrecking the world. 

Dean can’t help but cry at this point at the massive load of pain coming down on him remembering how everything came down to that moment, how he failed to kill the demon when he had the chance, his father could have gone to Heaven instead of Hell.  He cries for the loss of his father all over again, knowing now that his Dad was going to die no matter what they did in that cabin, and that Dean was going to end up in Hell at some point whether by making a demon deal or by committing suicide. He realizes that all that matters in the end is that the choices Dean’s made have ensured that he’s there for Sam when he needs him most.  That the crucial time for him to be there is when the choice Sam has to make about furthering the use of his demon granted powers is happening.  If he’s not there, Sam feels he has no point in living in a world without Dean and goes darkside.

 It’s now apparent to Dean, deep down that the connection that he has with Sam, what they mean to each other is the key.  He’s tried to deny it his whole life, but they’re wrapped up tighter than a tangled mess of extension cords.  They don’t work separately, everything they do, everything they’ve ever done deeply affects the other.  All he can do is accept that as truth, take it in and stop resisting it. 

Sammy rubs a comforting hand over Dean’s back as he finishes his crying jag, “See Dean, you’re really stuck with me, just like I always said. We gotta keep going, don’t stop now.”

He pulls himself up, wipes his eyes roughly with the back of his hand and takes Sammy’s hand again, feeling that sharp pull in his heart once more and sees the dark muddy street of Cold Oak, he’s running towards Sam as fast as he can, Jake sneaking up right behind Sam.  He gets to Sam just barely in time throwing him to the side taking Jake’s blade through the stomach, dying in Sam’s arms.  Sam throws off Bobby’s attempts at help just like Dean had, and makes that oh too familiar now deal with the crossroads demon, debuts as the Boy King and Lucifer’s steamrolls over the whole planet once again. 

Everything he’s got, everything left inside him had always been so sure that if he’d just been a little bit faster and gotten to Sam in time, that everything that came to pass afterwards would have been okay.  He couldn’t be more wrong.  He sees now that he had to live through the experience of losing Sam permanently like that to be pushed into making that demon deal.  He’d resisted doing it to bring Dad back, but just barely.  He’d learned that lesson of what’s dead should stay dead.  But not when it came to Sam, he was of course the exception because a world without Sam didn’t seem all that worth living in any longer.  The sacrifice that he made to bring Sam back was worth it in the end, because in the end, Sam saved the world. 

All this time he’d doubted that choice of bringing Sam back, Sam had said it many times that he shouldn’t have, that he wasn’t worth Dean going to Hell.  But now he gets it, that it was the only way, it was the right thing to do, they were both necessary to this whole sequence of events.  They both have to make it to the cemetery in Stull to stop Lucifer, **_together_**.  Dean surrenders to this knowledge with a shudder deep into his soul, knowing more clearly how free will and fate and destiny interact in this intricate dance.  This arcane knowledge is almost too much for his all-too human brain, but Dean drops Sammy’s hand, and curls his hands into fists making bloody crescents in his palm to remind himself.   

Sammy looks up at him, and holds his forearm instead, “Dean I know this is getting harder, but you’re going to make it, let’s keep at it.”

Thinking to himself what could be worse than realizing that yes indeed he was always fated to end up spending time in Hell, Dean feels his skin warming unpleasantly and all too familiarly as his heart almost explodes with pain.  Without even opening his eyes, he knows he’s there, back in Hell, he can hear it and smell it, the never ending screams, the burning stench of sulfur.  He forces himself to look, and there he sees himself on the rack, Alastair bent over him, offering him yet again the chance to step off and take up the knife.  He sees himself refuse, over and over again for ten long years until he’s reached the end of the forty years he spent there.  But instead of being wrenched out in a blaze of white light and the fluttering wings of the angels sent to retrieve him from his torment he’s still there stuck on the rack.  Heaven didn’t need to rescue him right away, since he’s endured the torture, and not broken the First Seal there is no need to get him out of Hell quite yet.  The angels can wait until they need to use him as Michael’s vessel.

But then suddenly, he sees Sam stride into view, not the Sam he knows and loves but Sam as the Boy King he was destined to become.  He’s taken over Hell, looking after it now that he’s destroyed Lucifer and is busy dismantling the planet all by himself. Lilith at his side.  Dean’s caught in a spiral of horror at actually seeing his brother turned into this demonic creature, but he finds that it’s now become routine to see the end result of all these things he’s beaten himself up for over all these years.  All these loads of bullshit regret weren’t worth the weight on his soul.  Alastair’s taunts about how his father hadn’t broken in Hell come back to him, and he remembers the deep shame he’d felt. 

But now that he’s seeing it another way, there isn’t anything else, but to be proud that he had held out exactly as long as he needed to against the worst torture they could dish out.   His experience in Hell wasn’t a good thing of course, but it was necessary and if he hadn’t gone there and been raised from Perdition by Cas, they maybe wouldn’t have had Cas on their side.  Letting go of those bags of regret and guilt he’s been carrying about what happened in Hell and how he acted when he was back in the land of the living isn’t as hard as it would have been at the beginning of all this.  He lets loose with a loud sigh of relief; an almost physical reaction to the release of this heavy weight he’s been carrying all these years. Dean’s heart feels different, that hole that Famine had described feels as if it’s been filled in almost completely.

 Sammy’s tugging on Dean’s hand again, “Feel a little better now Dean?  C’mon what’s next?”

Then Dean hears her voice, her hated lisping oily voice, convincing Sam to stop him from killing her. Over and over he almost does but is barely stopped by Sam.  If only he’d done it, he’s fantasized about it so many times, if he’d only killed her the first chance he’d realized she was bad news, but he remembers just in time, Sam had needed her while he was gone in Hell.  It’s awful to admit that, but she kept him alive long enough for him to at least get back.  But that’s not what his most fervent wish about Ruby is, it was always that he wished he’d been smart enough to figure out her scheme before it was too late.  Finding out after the fact, after the deed had been done, when he could have prevented it all so easily, was one of the biggest things that led to him pushing Sam away after Lucifer rose. 

So that’s what he gets to see, himself arriving in that deserted, desecrated stone chapel in Ilchester with plenty of time to stop Sam from killing Lilith.  He sees the disbelief and then relief in Sam’s eyes at hearing about Ruby’s plan straight from Dean; they grab Ruby and force her to tell Lilith the truth.  Lilith leaves in a blast of black smoke and Ruby ends up stabbed with her own knife, flashing out on the stone cold floor.  Lucifer doesn’t rise after all, at least not that day.  Instead Lilith figures out another way to free Lucifer without her having to die, demons can always find a loophole.  She captures Dean and holds him prisoner until Sam agrees to use his powers, he goes darkside, she feeds him some of her excess mojo and together they’re able to free Lucifer anyways.  The world ends bloody and Dean is not one bit surprised.   

All this time since that day that Lucifer rose, Dean’s regretted not getting to Sam in time, he always thought that if he’d just made it there a few minutes earlier there would have been a chance.  But the heavy wheels of fate and destiny go grinding on without ceasing no matter which human bodies throw themselves in the mechanism.  The more times he sees it happen the more he’s starting to realize that what he and Sam did manage to do was pretty fucking spectacular, the world didn’t end, Lucifer didn’t level the planet, he’s back in the Cage for good.  And as far as the vast majority of people know, not a damn thing of consequence has changed.  “Huh, maybe I did do a few things right, what do you think Sammy?”

 Sammy hugs him around his middle, looking up at him with that adorable hero-worship smile he’s missed more than he’d realized, “Yeah Dean, you really did.  Two more now, you’re almost out of water, you gotta hurry.”

Before Dean can even begin thinking about what the last two things could even be, his heart speeds up almost to the breaking point, thumping out of his chest in a rush of adrenaline.  He’s watching himself say **_YES_** the very first time Zachariah asked, right there in his father’s storage unit, as soon as he hears the words “You’re **_the vessel_**.  Michael’s vessel.”  He’s saying **YES** without a word to the stunned Sam next to him.  No explanation, no apology for leaving him with so much unresolved between them, just an overwhelming self-righteous need to set things right because He was the One who was supposed to stop the apocalypse.  The white light comes, Dean can barely hear Sam’s shouts of protest over the roar of Michael’s approach, “Bye Sam” is all Dean says and then he’s taken over by Michael. 

All the angels leave, and Sam is left alone.  He sees Sam collapse in a heap, unforgiven and abandoned by his brother and with no alternative but to say his own yes to Lucifer when he comes calling soon thereafter.  The archangels meet on the chosen field and battle for weeks, millions of people die just as Zachariah had predicted, eventually Michael triumphs, and the world as humans know it ends, bringing about the paradise on Earth that Zachariah had talked about.  It sure doesn’t look like any paradise Dean’s ever heard of, maybe it’s paradise for angels, but not for humans, just basically a better-lit, better-smelling version of Hell.

The only lesson Dean is left with is the same one he learned when Zachariah sent him into the Croatoan future, he needed to be there to stop Sam saying yes until they were ready with the horseman’s rings. Otherwise, the apocalypse was happening, either the straight-up angel version or Lucifer’s own.  Neither a good alternative for humanity and with God out of the picture, if Dean’s making the call, he’s choosing that the world stays as is. 

Dean can see now that the whole year that he and Sam spent fighting against either of them saying yes was all worth it.  Every painful day of it.  Because they were able to repair the bond that they shared.  They repaired it so well that they were able to save the whole damn world, **_just because they said so_**.  He’s never wanted Sam back beside him more than he does right now, wants so much to be able to turn to him and say “See, it was all worth it, what we did together, you and me.”  But Sam’s not there, at least not yet, but Sammy is. 

“Dean you’ve done it, you’re at the last one, quick you gotta finish, the water’s almost gone.” Sammy tells him, encouraging Dean to follow through to the end.

Dean hears it before he sees anything, the roaring, sucking sound of the cemetery ground opened up down into Lucifer’s Cage.  His stomach sinks like a stone, he can’t do this, can’t see this again, he just can’t.  But he feels the warmth of Sammy’s hand in his, and takes all the strength from it he can and opens his eyes.  LuciferSam and MichaelDean are at the edge holding onto each other, preparing to jump in together and then they’re gone and in the Cage, being tormented by the angels, then going through that mind meld thing. 

And instead of Dean winking out and being rescued by Cas, it’s Sam.  Sam who gets to be pulled topside to figure out how to rescue Dean.  But Sam doesn’t manage it, not even close, he falls apart, broken by the loss of his brother, again.  He refuses all help from Bobby, unable to ever connect with Cas. His desperation reaches such a level that he reopens the Cage, lets Lucifer out, bargains with him to say Yes to being his vessel if he’ll repair Dean’s damage from being in the Cage.  Michael gets Adam to say Yes and the LuciferSam versus MichaelAdam battle goes down in Stull again, MichaelAdam loses this time and Lucifer reigns, turning life for all of humankind into a literal Hell on Earth. A repaired Dean is left watching his angel possessed brother rule this new Hell.

So that’s it then, the most recent, but biggest guilt that Dean’s been carrying  is the stupidest of all, he’s been practically killing himself over it being him that got rescued from the Cage by Cas instead of Sam. And now he has to drop that and admit to himself that yes, he is that strong of a person, that yes he was able to stand being alone for all these months searching for a way to get Sam out. That yes Cas made the right choice and that it wasn’t even Dean’s choice in the first place so he had nothing to feel guilty about in the first place.  That yes Sam is a lot stronger than he is in a lot of ways, he was strong enough to overcome Lucifer himself.  But Dean has to admit to himself that he is stronger in a crucially important way.  He was the only one out of the both of them, able to survive long enough without the other to get this rescue from the Cage done.  The only thing he did after Cas pulled him out of the Cage was to choose to keep living and try to rescue Sam.  Which is exactly what Sam would have wanted him to do anyways. 

And that’s the whole point right? Sam’s getting rescued here, maybe even right now, that’s what’s about to happen hopefully.  Since he’s survived so far, at least he thinks he hasn’t died yet.  That must mean he did well enough. They’ll have to give him this, the only thing he wants, the only thing that matters, they have to give Sam back to him like they promised.  He feels so strong inside now, like all his parts have fit back together after being remade.  That’s got to mean something feeling this way, like maybe he survived this thing after all.  “It oughta be over by now, right?” he manages to whisper.

Sammy squeezes his hand and nods, smiling up at him through happy tears.

“Yes Dean, you’ve done well. Admirably really. One final thing and then you can get out and put your clothes back on.  Sum up and tell me what you’ve learned here.” Dean can hear Death but not see him, and Sammy’s gone, he’s missing the weight of his hand already.

And he’s back.

Dean slowly sits up in the very shallow water, removing his wrists and ankles from the gold hoops, pushing his hair up out of his eyes while he takes a deep breath.  Knowing that it all comes down to this, like a final exam, everything rests on being able to express what he’s just gone through.  But he pulls down deep from inside himself, in that strong, healed, remade soul that he’s been examining and goes for it. 

“Ok, a whole lot got thrown at me, but I’ll try and put it into words.  I learned that bearing all these burdens of fear and guilt my whole life is what is of value. That because I was able to do that and not completely break down makes me someone worthwhile to help.  So yeah, I accept that now, that I am worthwhile.  I think I learned that I haven’t valued my own soul’s worth, and I’m grateful that I’ve learned that now, because sacrificing myself over and over again hasn’t been the point of my life.  Living the best possible life in impossible circumstances is.  Making choices second by second, day by day, and living with the consequences of those choices instead of dwelling on regretting everything is what I need to do from now on.  That’s the reason I’m still here, alive.  The life I’ve lived with Sam is the fruit of all those choices and there’s nothing of more value to me than that.  I know with everything I am that the weight of my soul can be measured by that.” 

Dean finishes and looks up at Death and Jesse with raw naked hope on his face, needing more than anything for his words to be accepted, for his truth to be honored, for his Sam to be returned.

Jesse looks up at Death with a shining, proud smile, “Sounds like he’s got it, what do you think?”

“Yes, I do believe so.  Well done Dean.” Death pronounces.

Jesse points at the table next to the long couch, “There’s a towel there Dean, get dressed and rest on the couch, we’re going to do what we promised now.”

“You’re bringing him back to me?” Dean blurts out in relieved, uncontrolled excitement.

Jesse smiles and nods, “Yes we are, right now.  And remember what we said about probably needing to repair Sam’s soul.  Once we get him back here, it might get tricky, so be prepared and just try and follow our lead.  No one has ever done this before so I can’t tell you what exactly will be happening.”

Dean unsteadily pulls himself up to standing, the water pouring off his naked body back into the pool, he feels like he’s been run over by a truck, put through a hay-baler and left to dry in the desert.  “Is there something I could drink? I don’t know why I’m so thirsty since I was just in the water.” Then he looks at the towel he’s reaching for, where there is now a beautiful crystal carafe of ice water and tumbler glass where there wasn’t before.  “Thanks Jesse.”

Jesse doesn’t answer as he and Death are talking quietly over across the room in front of the altar. No doubt preparing whatever it is they need to before working on bringing Sam back. Dean slowly dries himself off with the towel, feeling like a ninety year-old man with arthritis, everything just aches like all his limbs had been pulled in all directions for hours. Tugging his clothes back on seems like the most momentous accomplishment, and then all he can do is crash on the couch, drink the water, and watch to see what Jesse and Death do next.


	6. Chapter 6

Not much happens for a while; Dean’s almost nodding off on the comfortable couch, even though his body is thrumming with excitement, the anticipation of getting Sam back right here, right now, a constant familiar drumbeat in his blood.  But he’s tired, exhausted really, from the ordeal of the Life Review.  He thinks to himself, ”No wonder I never went in for all this touchy-feely crap, it really takes it outta you.”  But then Sam’s voice in his head reminds him, “Dean, if you hadn’t saved it up for your whole life to deal with it all at once it wouldn’t have been so bad you know.”

Yeah, the Sam inside his head is right of course, even he’s big enough to acknowledge that.  And that makes him think again of the guide he’d had, of little Sammy, holding his hand; taking him through the whole thing.  Sticking with him, not ever giving up.  Just like the grown-up Sam that he misses so much.  Sam hasn’t changed he’s always been that steady of a force in Dean’s life.  Even through the times when they’ve been apart, Sam’s always been the center post his life has been hung on. 

Not much has happened to Dean that Sam doesn’t know about, but this, all the shit he had to think about and process and just, ugh.  The thought of telling all of it to Sam makes Dean that much more tired. But he knows it’s going to be a requirement of whatever kind of relationship or life they’re going to have together.  It will be worth it he tells himself.  Just about anything is worth it for Sam after all.  If he’s been able to face his deepest fears and figure all this stuff out, he can surely manage to have one mother of a chick-flick conversation with Sam.  Besides, he’ll eat that shit up with a spoon, he jokes to himself.  Sam always has gotten off on that sort of thing.  The more feelings you’re sharing with him, the happier he seems to get. 

Dean starts daydreaming about what it will be like to have Sam back.  To hold him in his arms and hug him again, starts letting himself think about that amazing kiss they’d shared in Sam’s dream and feels a frisson of heat curl up in his belly.  “Huh, so that’s what it feels like” he thinks to himself.  To want someone that you really, truly love too.  Dean hasn’t had the pleasure of that experience yet, it will be a new thing for him. He pulls himself away from his thoughts and musings to see what Jesse and Death are up to, it seems like they’re gearing up to actually do something.

Jesse turns around and says firmly, “Dean we’re bringing Sam’s body back first, it will be without his soul.  It is really important that you stay there and don’t try to touch him or anything.  He won’t be Sam until he gets his soul back inside.  Got it?”

“Got it, I’m staying here.” Dean assents, but wondering how hard it is going to be to restrain himself from leaping up the second he can see Sam.

The two at the altar begin a chant in that language they’d used earlier, the words and syllables weaving in and out and making something tangible appear and then disappear.  Jesse’s form goes completely rigid and holds onto the edge of the altar, hands gripping so tightly his fingers turn white.  A keening, almost scream coming from his lips, he’s straining hard to do something, like he’s pulling something really heavy without moving a muscle. Death turns towards Jesse, lays his hand on his shoulder and Jesse quiets, the strain written on his face relaxing a little.  Death gestures with his other arm and an opening appears off to the side of the altar, an opening in the air.  On one side Dean can see purple and white light pouring through and then not much else, some roiling clouds, almost like the black grey smoke of a demon come pouring through the opening, and then a familiar boot steps through, soon joined by another and then his brother is standing there outside of the opening as it closes up with a faint popping sound.

Sam’s just standing there looking around blinking owlishly at the room, eyes darting here and there, not lighting on anything for long until he catches sight of Dean’s face.  Sam’s head tilts as if in confusion and he starts forward towards Dean. A completely wild feral look on Sam’s face like he’s about to attack startles Dean.  

 Jesse stops him with a light touch on his elbow.  “Sam, stay here for a second please.”  Sam flinches from Jesse’s touch as if he’s been shocked. He stops and looks back at Jesse, with no recognition, but he complies.  All the animation in his body that was there so fleetingly when he’d seen Dean across the room just disappears completely.  Dean’s sitting on the edge of the couch gripping the cushions tightly, holding himself back from striding across the room to take Sam into his arms.  But even from here he can tell that it isn’t his brother yet, his brother wouldn’t look at him that way, or act that way with Jesse.

Now it’s Death’s turn, more of the chanting words rise in unison from Death and Jesse, and Death’s body seems to get larger and larger, his hands reaching forward over the top of the altar clasping and unclasping like he’s kneading dough in midair, patting and forming like he’s got a large dough ball and then Dean sees it as if it’s one of those old TV’s getting turned on.  A hot white blue spark in the middle getting brighter and brighter until its almost too bright to see, filling up Death’s hands with light.  He sags under the weight of it even though his body is larger.

“If that’s Sam’s soul, I guess it weighs a lot just like he does.” Laughs Dean to himself, smiling as he remembers teasing Sam about how big he’d turned out to be. 

Death turns slowly towards Sam and steps closer, Jesse holding one of Death’s elbows up, helping bear the weight.  He reaches towards Sam’s midsection, pushing the light ball into Sam who doubles over screaming in surprised pain.  Sam cries out and tries to jump back away from Death’s hands, but Jesse is now behind him somehow, holding Sam in place.  The three of them struggle, Jesse using the rest of his powers to hold Sam who is now fighting like a caged wildcat, limbs flailing wildly, Death’s hand still inside Sam’s belly. 

Dean leaps to his feet, not able to stop himself.  He starts striding towards Sam around the pool.  Jesse holds up one hand in a stopping signal and Dean finds himself stopping suddenly.  It’s Sam, right there, right before him and he can’t touch or hold him or try to help him when he’s in pain.  The frustration is mounting having everything he wants right there before him.  Death steps back from Sam suddenly and leans heavily against the altar.  Sam straightens up and shrugs his shoulders a few times, rolls his head from shoulder to shoulder, looks down at Death and Jesse and says a surprised “Hi. What a surprise to see you guys, uh, where am I?”

Dean can’t help it, he croaks out an emotional, “Sam, Sammy, I’m here.”

Sam whips around almost falling over and he beholds Dean, alive and whole, just like he’s been dreaming of for a hundred years.  They walk towards each other, like magnets finding their true home in North. Closing the distance quickly they fall into each other’s arms, holding on so tight; both of them have trouble breathing.  “Am I really out? Is it really you Dean?” Sam asks breathlessly.

Dean leans back and looks up at Sam, tilts up to kiss his lips chastely, “yeah Sammy, you’re out, with me, like I promised.”

”Oh thank god, I thought this was another torture or something.” 

“No Sammy, thanks to Death and Jesse here, you’re free.”

 “What about Lucifer? And Michael? Where are they?”

Dean tears his eyes away from Sam’s face to look over to Death and Jesse, “Uh, they’re still there right guys? Tell me they’re still in the Cage.” 

“Yes Dean, both Lucifer and Michael remain in the Cage, and that’s where they will stay for eternity as far as I know” replies Death.

Sam turns to look over at the altar and bows his head in thanks, “Thank you Death, and Jesse, thank you so much.  I don’t know what I can do to repay you, but thank you.”

“Sam, there isn’t anything you owe us, that debt has been paid.” Jesse looks pointedly at Dean, cluing Sam in so that he knows there’s a big question he’ll be having to ask Dean pretty soon . _What the Hell did you do this time?_ Sums up the look Sam shoots Dean _._

“Samuel, I am pleased that you are all here, but there is something we have left to do, an examination of sorts.  It will not be pleasant I’ll warn you.  But it is necessary to check on the state of your soul.”

Sam nods his agreement, “okay, go ahead.”  Dean holds Sam’s arm tightly as Death steps closer and reaches out one spindly hand towards Sam’s midsection in the area where he’d just replaced Sam’s soul, his hand disappears into Sam’s belly with a big burst of yellowy white light, Sam screams in pain and tenses up all over his body, Dean yelling in fear “What are you doing to him? Stop!” 

“Dean, you’ve got to let him finish” Jesse says, holding Dean back.

 Death pulls his hand out and Sam collapses into Dean’s side heavily.  “Okay now Sammy?”Asks Dean, petting the side of his brother’s face with a soft hand. 

Sam’s got his eyes closed still breathing heavily like he’s trying to pull himself out of shock.  “Yeah, yeah ‘m okay now. Just. That was awful.  What was that?”’

“Samuel, I had to assess how your soul has fit back into your body.  When you were in the Cage, your body and soul were separated and have lost most of their usual connections to each other and it wasn’t likely that it would all fit back together properly.  Also, I was assuming that your soul would be quite damaged as you’d spent so much time in the Cage.  Unfortunately I was correct on both counts.  That pain you’re feeling right now is going to increase very quickly to levels that you will not be able to withstand.  I warned Dean about this, but now we will have to do what I’d thought.  I wilI take a part of Dean’s soul and add it to yours, it will be a tricky bit of business, to get it to come together, but it will work. Shall we begin?” Death starts walking towards Sam and stops when he sees the expression on Sam’s face.

“Wait, what? You’re taking part of Dean’s soul and giving it to me? Doesn’t he need it? What will happen to him? I won’t do it if it’s going to hurt him, no way.”  Sam shakes his head, rejecting the idea because he senses there’s a risk to his brother involved.

“Dean’s recently gone through something that has repaired his soul completely, that’s why you are here with us right now in fact.  So he has a completely and fully intact soul that is healthy enough to be able to lose a portion.  It will not re-grow, but Dean will adapt and be just fine.  You on the other hand will not be fine if his donation to you is not incorporated, and soon.”

”What else, what else can happen?” Sam waves one of his arms for emphasis, the other clutched around his mid-section as if he’s trying to hold his soul inside.

“Samuel, there are a lot of side effects as a possible result, I assume that’s what you’re asking?”  Death doesn’t smile exactly, but Sam and Dean can tell that he’s impressed by Sam’s questions.  
  
“Yes, I mean I’ve read about soul bonding spells before, is that what we’re talking about here?”

“In a way, but it isn’t a spell, it’s a physical/meta-physical reality. Let me put it in a way you both can understand. Think of Dean being a pie and we’re cutting off a small portion and adding it to your pie plate which is missing half already.  You’ll both be ¾’s full which will be perfectly fine because you’ll be soul bonded.  But no human can live with half a soul and a very damaged one at that.”

Sam raises his eyebrows as he struggles to understand, “So we’ll be soul bonded or soul connected afterwards?”

“Yes soul connected, that’s a much better way to put it. You will have a permanent connection at the level of your souls.  I am not sure what that will entail in the other levels of your life though.  Sometimes there will be more side-effects like mind-reading, or sensing emotions, that sort of thing.”

Sam looks to Dean for reassurance that he’s okay with this.  Raising his eyebrows in silent question.  Dean nods and smiles.  “Not like you’re giving me much choice” Sam grumbles, “Okay, I guess, let’s do it.”

Jesse motions both of them to go sit on the couch.  They lower themselves down so that their sides are touching, holding hands on the top of their pushed-together thighs.  Sam looks at Dean like he’s drinking his first water after a trek across an empty desert.  “It’s really you.  I can’t believe it, you really did it.”  and he leans in to kiss Dean slowly and deeply.  Dean can’t help but fall into the kiss even though he’s as embarrassed as hell that it’s in front of a not-so-patiently waiting Death and Jesse.  Finally he pulls back, “Sammy, we gotta, uh, let him do this, okay?”

Sam looks him up and down and grins, well almost leers, “yeah okay Dean, just wanted one to remember, just in case.”  They both turn towards Death who is reaching towards Dean, “This will hurt Dean, just like you saw with Sam a little earlier, just let me in though and it will be over quickly.“  Death plunges his thin hand into Dean’s mid-section and turns his wrist.  It’s Dean’s turn to scream out in pain, muscles seizing up completely. 

Sam grips Dean’s arm in real fear at seeing his brother in so much pain.  Death removes his hand with a small blue white handful of light and steps towards Sam, “Again Sam this will hurt, brace yourself.” Dean’s collapsing against Sam when Sam screams out as the piece of Dean’s soul is melded with his own.  They both end up huddled in each other’s arms panting from the remnants of a pain so thorough it’s taken their breath away. 

“We done now?” asks Dean, trying not to be grumpy but failing completely.

“Yes, it is done.”  Death pats both of their knees with finality and walks back to the altar.

Dean unwraps himself from Sam, stroking his brother’s arm as he gets up, slowly and stiffly.  He walks over to Death and sticks his hand out to shake; Death looks up at him curiously and then smiles slightly  eventually shaking Dean’s hand.  Dean looks Death in the eye and says, “Thank you, for what you did for me, for Sam.  I will never forget it and I will always owe you.” 

“Dean, we discussed this before, you owe me nothing, but I appreciate your gratitude very much.”  He nods and lets go of Dean’s hand, flexing it open and closed, looking at it curiously.  Something tells Dean that Death doesn’t get too much hand-shaking or skin to skin contact from most humans.  Dean turns to Jesse, looking down at this kid who really isn’t a kid at all, and impulsively pulls him in for a hug, “Thank you Jesse, for everything.”  Jesse pats him on the back and steps back to break the hug so he can look up and see Dean’s face, “You’re welcome Dean, I’m really glad that it worked.”

“Me too kid, me too.” Dean looks over at Sam slumped over on the couch, “Feels like my whole world is back now.” He says quietly, almost to himself, but Jesse hears him and smiles.

“Dean, would you like to take Sam to rest in one of the bedrooms? I think he’d be more comfortable than sitting on the couch.  He’s going to be in and out for a few days at least.”  Asks Death, looking at an alarmingly crumpled up Sam.

“How would Chuck feel about that?” Dean asks, all of a sudden wondering if he needs to get them out of there before any smiting starts going down.

“Oh he’ll be fine with it, remember he said it was okay if we tried this.  Sure, he didn’t think you’d survive your trial, but you did and here we are, and he’s not so much of a sore loser anymore.  C’mon, I’ll show you to one of the rooms. Follow me.”  Jesse starts walking towards the door; Dean has Sam in his arms in a flash, scooping him up in a bride carry.  “Ugh, Sammy, you’re too big to do this with.”

“Wha’happ’n Dean?” Sam asks sleepily, curling up against Dean’s neck and nuzzling in.

Dean almost collapses from the sheer joy and pleasure that runs through his body at that small caress.  That plus the Sasquatch-sized load he’s toting of course.  Jesse shows them to one of the rooms at the end of the same hallway as the temple room.  Dean sees that it has a wall of windows looking out on a garden, all the luxury amenities you could ever want, but most importantly, an enormous king-size bed.  Jesse pulls back the covers so Dean can lay Sam down.  Dean runs his hand gently over Sam’s face, who barely reacts. 

“Kind of funny he came back from Hell with his boots still on.  Come to think of it, so did I, both times.”

Jesse laughs, “There should be towels and stuff in the bathroom, help yourselves, and don’t worry about staying for a while.  I promise, no one will mind.”

“’kay, thanks again Jesse.”

“You’re welcome again.  See you tomorrow.” Jesse leaves through the big oak door, shutting it quietly.

Dean turns his attention back to Sam, unlacing and removing his boots, pulling off his jeans, and over shirts, pulling the covers up over him.  All of it a reminder of doing this thousands of times before back when Sam was always just Sammy.  Suddenly with just the thought of their old routine, all he wants is to be curled up in bed around his brother, so he’s undressed down to t-shirt and boxers in a flash, pulling back the covers on his side and just stops cold.  He’s about to get into his brother’s bed for the first time since everything changed between them.  Now that he knows, well everything, it’s just hard to do, especially since Sam is so asleep, so he hesitates.  Maybe he should sleep on the daybed by the window instead, give Sam a chance to say yes or no. 

“Would you quit thinking so much and just get in here already?” Sam grumps sleepily.  Dean smiles and relaxes, “Yeah, okay Sammy.”

Dean arranges himself big spoon style behind his brother, slinging an arm around his waist and pulling him in tight, tangling their feet together.  Sam jerks abruptly, “Dude, your feet are like goddamn bricks of ice!”

“Sorry, must have been from being in that water.”  Dean moves them away.

“No, put ‘em back, just surprised me is all. Want all of you on me.”

“Alright, no more bitching then.  There, that all better princess?”

“Almost, one more thing.”

“God, what is it now?” Dean grumps in mock-exasperation.

“You didn’t give me a kiss goodnight, you know like you always did when you’d tuck me in.”

“You remember that huh?”

“Yeah of course I do.  It’s how I went to sleep every night for most of my childhood Dean.”

‘’Fine Mr. Demander, roll over cause I’m not gettin’ back out and walkin’ around to your side of the bed.”

“Can you feel it Dean?” he whispers.

“Feel what?”

“The soul connection thing, can you feel it?” Sam asks with growing excitement.

“Nope, don’t think so, not yet.”

“I can, feels, well, it feels good.  Thanks for agreeing to do that.”

“What? Make a soul donation for you, course I did, what would you think I’d do?”

“No, nothing like that, I just wanted to thank you, because of the risk you took.  We’re probably going to be even more wrapped up together if we’re reading each other’s minds or emotions or whatever, and oh god I can feel it already, you’re getting mad at me aren’t you?  You’re mad that I’m bringing this up because you’re looking forward to it, finally getting to know my thoughts since I never share them and hide stuff from you, and so you’re actually really glad about it because you won’t have to talk about it because I’ll already know everything.  Huh, how about that? Was I right or what, is that what you’re thinking or uh feeling?”

Dean huffs and flops back down onto the bed, “Yeah.”

‘Well, this is going to take some getting used to.”

“Better go both ways, wouldn’t be fair otherwise.”

“Just give it time Dean, probably I’m feeling it before you since my soul was so damaged like Death said, you’ll feel me, one way or the other.”

Dean doesn’t bother responding or saying anything, because he knows there’s no point, Sam can feel it all now anyways, so he _lets loose with the  curious thoughts he’d had back in the temple room about kissing and wanting someone he loves for the first time_ , just as an experiment to see what Sam does.

“I never thought of it that way. This is like a first time for you, don’t worry Dean, I’ll make it good, I swear.”

“We’re not talking about this.  I can’t help you feeling it from me, but I swear Sam, I’ll get right out of this bed right fucking now if you don’t shut the hell up about it.” Dean’s embarrassed beyond telling, he knows Sam’s not really teasing him, but he feels so raw and exposed because Sam can feel everything and he can’t.

Sam doesn’t answer him, _getting flooded with the angry redness that is Dean’s embarrassment and anger over getting teased about something so important_ by this man that he loves beyond all comprehension, that flood turns into the most indescribable beautiful flow of feeling from his brother, he almost starts crying right then and there.  And he’d never hear the end of that of course, so instead he rolls over on top of Dean, trapping his brother’s body completely and kisses him slowly and deeply.  _The incoming emotional flow from Dean turns into an excited flurry of sparks and heat; this must be lust and want, if he’s anything like Sam is._  

Sam smiles as he keeps kissing Dean, learning the taste, texture and shape of his brother’s mouth and lips.  This is so much better than that kiss they’d shared in his dream or even the one in the temple room, this kiss is full of beginnings and promises and finally-it’s-about-time urgency.  Dean moans and writhes under his brother, feeling beyond happy that Sam had shut up and kissed him, maybe this mind-reading thing isn’t so bad after all, he decides to consciously _send Sam a message to see if he gets it.  He decides to just go for it and send what he wants._   Sam pulls away from the kiss as _he receives a clear vision of both of them naked and rubbing off against each other until they come_.  “That what you want Dean?” he asks breathlessly.

Dean answers him with a thrust of his hips, striving to align them a little more comfortably, and starts up a pulsing rhythm.  Sam gets the idea quickly and returns it, grinding down in time, but trying to pull their boxers down.  “Hold on. Wait a sec.”  He pulls Dean’s t-shirt up and off, and Dean looks up at him and returns the favor, their hands roaming up and down now bare chests, fingers circling nipples and palms resting on their matching tattoos. 

“Now these” Sam tugs at Dean’s boxers, and Dean lifts up enough so Sam can pull them all the way off, getting rid of his too.  “Now where were we?”

Dean flips them over and slots himself right in where he belongs, “Here, Sammy right where we’re supposed to be.”  He starts the rhythm back up and Sam responds, slowly increasing the pace as it gets wetter and more slippery.  Sam _starts getting flooded with that sparking hot feeling again_ as Dean begins to climax, waves of _heatlustlovemineyourseverythingSammy_ over and over until he can’t help but join Dean.  They lay there, panting together in time, kissing softly and slowly now, hands petting and calming. 

Dean smiles down at Sam, “Yeah, that’s what I wanted, thanks Sammy.”

“Yeah, me too. Thanks Dean.” Sam practically purrs back at him, stretching his body beneath his brother’s.

And there’s so much there in Sam’s thanks that Dean understands even without being able to read Sam’s mind quite yet.  Dean gets up and goes to the bathroom to clean up and Sam turns to watch his brother’s beautiful naked form and counts himself the luckiest man on Earth.  To have this, with the one he loves more than anything, to be finally free, it’s too much all at once and he wishes that Dean could feel this from him, because he knows if he says it Dean will freak out or sock him or something, so all he can do is wipe tears of joy from his eyes before Dean comes back and waggles his eyebrows lasciviously at Dean to get him to laugh instead.  “Enjoying the view are we?” laughs Dean as he gently cleans Sam up with a warm washcloth.

“Uh huh.” Sam says sleepily, all of it catching up with him all of a sudden, coming back from Hell, and finally being together with Dean; it’s a lot for one day, even for him.

“Good thing, cause you’re stuck with me now.” Dean ruffles his brother’s hair, seeing that he’s drifting off to sleep already.

“I know, you are too you know, you’re stuck with me too.” Sam whispers and is out cold.

Dean sighs when he sees that his brother is asleep and pulls the covers up over him gently and gets in on his side of their bed.  Mentally kicking himself for thinking like that already, before they’ve even figured out how this is going to work between them.  He does let himself hold Sam though; he lets himself have that at least, considering it his due payment for all he went through to get Sam back here.  Dean falls asleep wondering how he’s going to face Chuck in the morning after getting their come all over his sheets, which leads to some interesting dreams.

Before Dean even knows he’s awake, he feels the perfect hot wet suction on his cock, and then _he feels a wave of lust and desire at the idea that his mouth is filled up by the perfect weight and taste of his brother._   He realizes that first of all, Sam really has some skills, and secondly the mind-reading thing seems to have started to work for him.  Sam’s flickering tongue and hollowed out reddened cheeks and lust-filled hazel eyes greet him as he props himself up on his elbows.  Sam raises his eyebrows silently asking if this is okay or not.  Dean just groans happily and thrusts up into his brother’s capable mouth.

“God Sammy, so good.” Dean moans as he feels the connection between them spark into life as it feeds off each other’s feelings and emotions.  _The response he feels ricochets back to Sam and comes back to him, amplifying everything until he’s not sure who’s doing who at the moment._   Dean gives up trying to figure it out and let’s himself go and comes down Sam’s throat.  Sam swallows around him, his throat fluttering deliciously about Dean’s sensitive tip, then pulls off to lick his brother clean as softly as he can.  Dean’s _hit with an incoming wave of sated contentment and pure happiness from Sam, all’s right with his world as far as he’s concerned.  No big deal, just waking up my big brother with a morning blow job._

“So you’re up early.  How you feeling?” Dean asks as Sam crawls up over him nestling down right on top of his body.

“Yeah, someone didn’t close the curtains last night, so the sunlight woke me up.  And I’m feeling good, lots better after all that.” Sam grins down at him.

“Yeah I know, I got that. Like I really got that, soul-bond thing is working for me now.”

“Pretty awesome isn’t it? Like double the fun when we, uh, you know.” Sam says shyly.

“Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, what have I always told you, If you can’t say it out loud with a straight face, you’re not ready to do it.” Dean shakes his head mockingly, eyes twinkling up at Sam because it’s just too ridiculous that Sam who was just giving him fantastic head can’t even say the words out loud.

“Shut up jerk.  Get up and find me some damn breakfast.” Sam rolls off of Dean and whacks him in the stomach.

Dean grabs Sam’s hand holding him still, “Oh no way bitch, we’re facing them all together, I ain’t doing this alone.”

“What do you mean? Who are we facing?”

“We’re uh, in God’s house right now Sam.  Oh and by the way, God is Chuck and also Crowley.”

“Wait, what?  This is God’s house? Is this where Jesse and Death brought me back last night?  How is God both Chuck and Crowley?  That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yeah, it really is His house.  When I used the amulet; which was right where you said it was, thanks by the way; an angel brought an invite to come here, which is in Santa Barbara.  I got here and Chuck answered the door, and let me in on the minor detail that he’s actually God.  Then he changed into Crowley and said something about having to be the bad guy sometimes.”

“You mean we’ve just had sex twice in God’s house?”

“Yeah, pretty much.  See why I don’t want to go hunting up breakfast on my own now?”

Sam flops back onto the bed and pulls the covers over his head.  “’m never getting out of this bed, s’too embarrassing.”

Dean sits next to him and pulls the covers back so he can see his brother’s face and demands, “What you’re embarrassed to be seen with me now?”

“No, but He’ll know what we did, because He knows everything right? And it’s just too…”

“I know, me too.  But after what I had to say out loud in front of him, I think you can manage, c’mon princess, up and at ‘em.” Dean stands up and starts gathering up their clothes which are strewn about the floor.

Sam’s watching him closely, “Dean, what did you have to say?”

Dean blushes a deep red and _goes over his written list in his head, especially the last item, hoping that it gets sent to Sam, because he can’t say this out loud, much as he wishes he could, he just can’t, not yet anyways._   He watches to see if the message comes through to Sam and can see the second it hits because Sam jumps up out of bed and wraps him in the biggest hug they’ve shared since, well, since they were jumping into the Cage. 

“Thank you Dean. Thank you so much for all of it.  I love you too.”  Sam kisses Dean deeply and completely, leaving them both a little breathless at the power even just their kisses have over them, now that the soul-bond works so well.

“So what did God say when you told him that last one?” asks Sam, curious to hear what God’s in-person opinion on incest might be.

“Didn’t blink an eye, so I think it’ll all be okay, hell, we’ll probably be more uncomfortable than they will.” Dean says as reassuringly as he can manage.

“Okay, but if I get smited I’m haunting your ass.” Sam teases enjoying the flicker of appreciation he sees in Dean’s eye as he leans over to pick up his clothes.

“Fine, just get dressed already; I don’t think God will appreciate the Full-Monty at breakfast.”


	7. Chapter 7

They make themselves as presentable as possible and peek out the doorway, no one seems to be moving around, but it’s a big house.  Dean steers them towards the patio hoping that everyone might be eating outside in the morning sun.

“Well, there they are, we thought you’d never get up. Good to see you Sam.” Chuck stands up and comes to shake Sam’s hand, smiling brightly.

“Uh, hi Chuck, uh, God.” Sam flails completely, just not even knowing at all what to say.

“Chuck’s fine, here join us, Death’s just brought us some of the best Eggs Benedict I’ve had in ages. I have to say it’s a surprise to see you both here this morning, I honestly wasn’t expecting it.”

“Yeah, us either, thanks for letting us stay the night.” Sam finds his voice enough to at least get his thanks out.

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you need to, I like having the company around.” Chuck replies as he sits back down.

Sam and Dean pull up chairs to the table and serve themselves.  Death passes them the French press and they relax with some perfectly made coffee.  No one says anything, except a few yummy sounds, and it’s starting to get a little tense.  “So tell me about all those cars I saw out front when I came in yesterday.” Dean asks finally, not able to stand it any longer.

“Oh you saw the stable did you?” Death says sarcastically raising an eyebrow over at God.

“What, I can’t have a few nice things? I like to drive.” Chuck defends himself.  “Besides, you’ve got that beast of a Bentley, and the Bug is Jesse’s, not like I have as many cars as Leno or something.”

“Jesse, you’re old enough to drive?” Dean asks.

“Well, not technically, but close enough and no one ever says anything.  I don’t drive all that much; it’s mostly just for using around here.”

“That’s cool.  It looks like a pretty fun car.”

“Not as cool as your car though, that thing is sweet.” Jesse answers.

“Good answer dude.” Dean laughs.

“Um, I’m not feeling so well, is it okay if I…” Sam stands up as if to leave and collapses in a dead faint, Dean barely catching him before his head hits the table.

“Damn it Sam!” Dean hoists him up across his lap, checking his pulse and breath, he’s just passed out.  “Guess I better get him back inside.”

Chuck says, “Done.” And Sam’s gone off of Dean’s lap from one split second to the next.

“Where did you put him?” Dean demands.

“Just back in bed where he belongs. Go take care of him, if you know what I mean.”  Chuck says soothingly.

Death interrupts, “Dean, your soul-bonding may require the final physical act between the two of you, which I assume you have not yet accomplished.”

Dean goes deep scarlet, “uh no, not yet.”

“Well get to it, otherwise you’ll be the one fainting next.” Death answers dismissively.

Dean can’t bring himself to say anything, just nods and stalks off the patio back to their room.

And there he is, lying there on their bed ( _this time that phrase doesn’t stop him_ ), looking for all the world like he’s just sleeping off a heavy breakfast.  Dean takes off his boots and goes into the bathroom, finding some hand lotion just in case he gets the okay from Sam.  He takes off Sam’s boots and starts to take off his shirt but Sam wakes up.  “What’re you doin’?”

“Takin' care of you. Like they said to.”

“Who?”

"So if you’re awake would you mind? I uh, don’t want to do this all by myself.”    Dean takes his shirt off and stands up to take off his jeans.

“What are you doing?” Sam asks even though _he can feel the want and fear and lust and worry coming off of Dean in waves._

“Was just starting to get myself ready for you, to you know, do me.”  Dean’s blushing again, and this time Sam notices and instead of automatically teasing it makes his heart turn over more quickly than it should making him reach out to put his hand on Dean’s naked waist. “Hold on, who says we’re doing it that way?”  Sam asks him, wondering why his brother has assumed this kind of major thing without even asking and why he’s so embarrassed about it.

“Who says we’re not?”  Dean’s embarrassment making him snarky now even though he doesn’t want to be, he just wants to be in bed with his brother, fixing him like he’s supposed to, and _he sends that thought to Sam who receives it with a nod._

Sam smiles gently up at his big brother, trying to hold it all together for him as usual, and offers the fairest solution he can come up with, “Rock paper scissors for it?”

“Sure, go.”

“Man every time! How the hell do you do that Sam?”

“Like I’m ever tellin’ you that!  So, uh I get to pick huh?”  Sam runs his hands up Dean’s arms feeling all the muscles ripple and bunch in response to his touch and _feels the wave of hot want and lust roll through him that comes from both of them wanting each other._

“Guess so.  What’s it gonna be Sammy, I’m good with either.” Dean runs his hands through Sam’s hair, pushing it out of his eyes so he can really see him, and _sends him many of the images of the two of them in various configurations he’s imagined over the years._

Sam’s eyes widen in surprise and then turn hooded with sudden desire when he sees what Dean is showing him, “Me too, to all of that, want you to do me first though.”

“You ever done this before Sam?”

“I only…” Sam sends Dean _an image of himself using a black dildo_.  Dean smirks _and sends back an image of himself finding it in Sam’s duffel bag with as much teasing as he can get across._   This soul bond communication thing is pretty awesome in Dean’s opinion, it would have been tough to get Sam to admit that and he’s glad he didn’t have to actually tell him about going through his duffel bag.

Dean interrupts abruptly, “Don’t give me any more, I don’t really want to know right now or maybe ever.” He pulls the rest of Sam’s clothing off piece by piece, kissing and licking and biting his way along the newly revealed skin.  Sam’s breathing getting faster and the feelings Dean’s getting through their bond getting more and more intense and impatient. 

Dean knees up over a now completely naked Sam and starts warming up some of the lotion between his hands, reaching one down to stroke Sam to full hardness, trailing his fingers down to cup his balls gently rolling and tugging them to see if Sam’s as sensitive as he is himself.  Judging by Sam’s moans the answer is yes.  Dean adds a little more lotion and circles his finger around Sam’s entrance, finally plunging in at the same time he leans down to take Sam in his mouth as far as he can.  Sam just about comes off the bed from the jolt of pleasure that hits him, almost undone by this and they’re just getting started.

“Dean you gotta, come on, please, you gotta be in me now.” Sam begs and reinforces it by sending Dean _images of himself taking Sam much more forcefully than Dean was planning on actually doing_.   Dean pulls off from his intense sucking to reassure Sam, “I’m gettin’ there, hold your horses, you’re not ready yet, not doin’ it til’ you’re ready.”  Dean goes back to taking his brother as deeply as possible down his throat and adds another finger and then another until he can barely keep them going in and out of Sam because of all the writhing around he’s doing. 

Finally Dean pulls off of Sam with a loud slurp and Sam’s wet cock hits his stomach.  Sam groans “Dean c’mon already.”  Dean gets a pillow under Sam’s ass and positions himself to finally enter his brother.  Dean sends a quick _thankyouSammyalwayswantedthisalwayswantedyoujustlikethis_ and Sam smiles and pushes himself forward taking the head of Dean’s cock inside himself.  Dean pushes in slowly, fucking in and out gently for a while as Sam adjusts, adding a little more hand lotion, “next time we’re getting lube.” He grumbles. 

Sam laughs “I’ll put it on the shopping list.  C’mon now fuck me already.” He sends Dean _impatience_ and _want_ and _nownownowhardhardhard_ which is irresistible, Dean picks up his rhythm, and the feelings intensify, going back and forth between them.  Sam, feeling impossibly opened and filled and taken and owned and finally after all this time; finally right.  Dean feels that rightness, that bell-rung tone perfection vibrate through his body and remembers it from all the time he’d spent alone, missing Sam, thinking about that one kiss in Sam’s dream, and _he sends that bell-ringing back to Sam with his feelings of taking and competence and possessiveness and love; so much love._  

Because that’s what that perfect bell-rung tone is, that’s the love that’s always been there, that’s finally getting to ring true, right here, right now between them and it’s everything they’ve ever wanted, ever dreamed of or wished for, all right here, all here in their bed in God’s house of all places.  And there’s no more shame or embarrassment, it’s all there between them, nowhere to hide, no reason to anymore. 

Dean comes back to himself and looks at what his brother, his Sammy looks like now, spread out, wanton and writhing and blissful and it’s like looking at heaven and in a mirror because he sees what Sam sees, the same damn thing.  “ _come with me now Sammy, right now, just like this, together_ ” he sends to Sam, desperate to have him go over the edge at the same time. 

And they do, as if they’d always been meant to even though it really wasn’t ever the plan, but they tore up the plan and made their own and **it includes this**.  Finally and completely this, them together, nothing between them, coming with nothing but each other’s bliss in their minds and hearts.

Dean collapses, letting Sam’s legs down just barely in time and sliding out and off to face plant on the bed beside Sam.  They lie there panting, unable to speak, still reveling in it all through their bond back and forth when they hear loud applause and whoops from down the hall and out on the patio. 

“Those fuckers.” Dean curses loudly into the pillow. 

All Sam can do is laugh, this beautiful, open, joyful laugh that Dean hasn’t heard in years, maybe since that time Sam had super glued Dean’s fingers to his beer. So he gets over being mad and joins Sam in laughing.  And it feels good to laugh with his brother, his lover now.  Because if you can’t laugh about God, Death and the Anti-Christ applauding the first time you’ve fucked your brother who’s just come back from Hell, then when can you laugh right?

They eventually stop laughing and end up curled around each other, hopelessly intertwined for good now, and Sam cards his fingers through Dean’s longer than usual hair, “hey, you seriously need a haircut.”

“Look who’s talking. Fuck you anyways. Had other things on my mind.” Dean answers, not really mad, just irritated that Sam’s pointing out how he let himself go without him around.

“Yeah I know, I know.  Think God’s got a pair of scissors around here?”

“Just ask Jesse, he’ll make ‘em appear for you, it’s pretty cool.”

“Alright I will, once I can move again.” Sam grumbles.  Dean just laughs and strokes his ass gently.

Dean mumbles as they’re both falling asleep on each other, “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, as part of the deal to get you out I promised Jesse we’d take him on the road with us for awhile…”

Next thing he hears is a soft knocking at the door.  The light from outside looks like early afternoon.  Sam hasn’t even moved at all, his breathing deep and steady.  Dean pulls on his jeans and opens the door.

“Hi Dean, I wanted to know if you want to go get some pie now?”

“Sure Jesse, give me a couple minutes, I’ll meet you out front.”

He cleans up quickly in the bathroom, finds a new shirt in his duffel and writes out a note for Sam to leave on the bedside table.  “ _No big deal, just out for pie with the antichrist, be back soon. – D_ ”

As he’s walking down the hallway he pulls out his cell phone and quickly calls Bobby, “Hey, yeah, it worked, Sam’s back. Yep, everything’s cool, we’re staying here a couple days and then taking off.  Not sure how soon, but yeah of course we’ll come see you old man.  I’ll tell him. O.K. I won’t forget.  And Bobby, uh thanks, for everything.  Yeah I know, me too. We’ll call you when we know we’re comin’.  Bye, gotta go get pie with Jesse.  Yes, that Jesse, long story, tell you later. Bye Bobby.”

Jesse’s waiting by the cars.  “Want to take my car? You can drive.”

“Sure why not, I’ve never driven one of these little things.”

Jesse hands him a set of keys and they get into the bright green Bug. Dean adjusts the seat and mirrors and gets them going back down the mountain towards town.  “Want to try the pie place I was telling you about?”

“Yeah, it sounded really good.”

They drive for a while in silence, then Dean starts making comments about how the car drives, Jesse telling him about the short trips he’s driven it on.  They get to the pie place, and yes it’s just as good as promised, and they get one to-go to bring back up to Chuck’s place.  Dean can’t bring himself to call it God’s House in his mind. 

“Hey Dean, have you told Sam what you did to get him back?”

“No, uh, not yet.  He’s been kind of out it. Why you think I should?” And yeah, it’s pretty stupid to be asking for relationship advice from a twelve year old, but Jesse’s a pretty sharp kid and he’s seen a lot, so it seems worth asking his opinion.

“Yeah, it was a pretty huge thing for you, I mean, I don’t know how it works with couples, but you’re supposed to share that stuff with your partner right?”

“I guess so, I never really had one before. I’ll try it and see how it goes, thanks Jesse.”

“So, are we going on the road soon?” Jesse sounds so hopeful, but still a little worried, like he’s wondering if Dean’s forgotten what he promised.

Dean smiles over at Jesse, glad that he still wants to go on a trip with them, “Yeah, maybe tomorrow.  Depends on how Sam’s feeling. Got a list of places you want to go?”

“Funny you should ask, but yes, I have a whole notebook where I’ve been writing down things I want to go see or do in this country.  I like to write notes on where I go, it helps me keep track. I got to know Australia pretty well that way.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Sam wakes up alone in the big bed, stretching out for a while before he gets up, feeling aches in places he hasn’t felt in a very long time.  He heads straight for the shower and enjoys the endless hot water and decent water pressure.  It is God’s House after all; of course it’s going to be a great shower.  He sees Dean’s note when he gets back to the bedroom and smiles, remembering something about Jesse going on the road with them. 

“That will be interesting.” He thinks to himself.  Eventually he decides it’s time to venture out of the room and see if anyone is around to talk to.  He finds Chuck out on the patio where they’d had breakfast, reading a Rolling Stone magazine and drinking iced tea.

“Sam, good to see you up again.  Feeling better now?”

Sam can’t help it, he blushes bright red remembering the applause and cheering from earlier, “Yeah, Chuck, I’m doing okay, for now anyways.”

“That soul bond thing working out alright?”

“It’s going to take some getting used to, but so far it’s been a good thing.  As long as Dean still thinks it’s worth it, I think it will be okay.”

“Sam, you know Dean would do, has done anything and everything for you right? Of course he thinks it’s worth it. Don’t be an idiot.  That man was here just the other day declaring he’d rather be back in the Cage with you if I wouldn’t get you out.”

“Really? Dean said that?”  Sam’s looking at Chuck with complete surprise, his mouth open and everything.

“Sam, after what he went through to get you back.  You have no business asking a question like that.”  Chuck shakes his head disapprovingly, sitting back in his chair and steepling his fingers on the table.

“He hasn’t really told me what he did.  He didn’t make any deals or anything this time, right?” And Sam hadn’t thought about it too much yet honestly, but now he’s deathly afraid that some crossroads demon made a deal with Dean again.

“No, nothing like that. Much worse, or as it turned out, better.  He risked his life for you by undergoing an Anima Recensio, a Life Review.  He was shown the outcome of all the big decisions he’s made over his life that he most regretted or felt guiltiest about.  You should ask him about it, he’s a different man now.  I’d call him almost reborn.”

“Death said something about his soul being repaired?”

“Yes, that was the result, since Dean was successful.  And since he didn’t die, Death and Jesse brought you back to him.”

“I’m not sure he’ll want to tell me about all this, he has a hard time talking about stuff like this.”

“I think things have changed between you, a lot has happened, my advice is to give him a chance.” Chuck smiles at him gently.

Sam snorts in surprised laughter. “What’s so funny?” asks Chuck.

“Just, I’m sitting here getting relationship advice from God about my relationship, with my big brother. It’s more than a little weird.”

“I suppose it is.  But you two are pretty used to weird by now right?  I mean you have figured out that you’re not just humans by now?”

“You mean beyond the vessel thing?”

“Yes, Sam, although it’s related to that. The plan for the vessels is very old, ancient by your standards, but you two weren’t what they meant to create.  By using soul mates for the vessels, that was their mistake, if you’d just been brothers, it all would have gone according to plan.”

“So if the angels didn’t make us soul mates, then who did?”

“That would be me.”

“Huh. So you didn’t want the plan to play out the way it was always supposed to? What too boring or something?”

“Well it had been done before, many times, and I wanted to do a small experiment this go-round, see if things turned out any differently.  And imagine my surprise when they did.  You two are a unique pair in all of my creation, out of all the vessels created with a destiny, you are the only two who did not stick to the plan.”

“We really did screw up the natural order then?”

“Yes, and that was where I made a bad decision.  I regret now letting you remain in the Cage for so long Sam.  I apologize. I thought that it was required to restore the Balance and I was wrong.” Chuck extends his hands out in an apologetic gesture, that you wouldn’t think you’d ever see God himself making.

“Apology accepted.” Sam nods his head in stunned acceptance.

Chuck places his hand on Sam’s shoulder, squeezing it tight, “Thank you Sam.  For your reward, you and Dean will have the ability to visit other people’s heavens when you’re there for good.”

“Chuck, we’re going to go to Heaven after all this?” Sam’s surprised again, he wouldn’t have thought they’d get in after they’d screwed everything up, and he notices the shoulder that God was squeezing feels good, better than good and that feeling is flowing through his whole body like he’s been reset or refreshed.

“Yes Sam, both of you, and at the same time.” Chuck jabs his finger at Sam and winks to emphasize his key point.

“Oh thank God.  Oh. I mean, thank you.” Sam’s so relieved to hear this; that they’re going out together and headed upstairs.

Chuck laughs heartily, making thunder clouds rumble in the distance.  “You are welcome Sam.”

“What’s he welcome for?” asks Dean, walking out onto the patio with Jesse and pulling up a chair to their table.

“I’ll tell you later.” Sam leans over and whispers, kissing Dean’s ear softly. 

“Well you missed out on some good pie, but since I’m an awesome big brother, I brought you some, with extra for everyone else who wants to try it.”

Beautiful china plates and heavily carved silver forks are suddenly on the table now, “uh thanks Jesse.” Dean laughs, still trying to get used to having someone around who can make things suddenly appear.

“So is Death still around?” Dean wants to make sure his fellow junk-food-junkie gets a piece of this pie.

Death appears at the edge of the patio near the garden, “Yes Dean, I am here.”

Dean gestures to the table, “Come have some pie with us here, we brought it back from town, I thought you might enjoy it.”

Death takes one bite and makes some serious yummy noises, “Dean, I knew there was another reason why I wanted to help you.”

“What my awesome taste in fine cuisine?”

“Yes, exactly.  It is a wonder to find someone with such similar tastes and enthusiasms.”

Sam laughs, which makes Dean smile and reach over and take his hand.  Sam raises his eyebrows and sends him _a really in front of these guys you’re going to hold my hand?_    Dean squeezes his hand and sends him _a get over yourself Sam, they were just applauding us getting it on a couple hours ago._

“You two were just doing the soul bond mind-reading thing weren’t you?”  Jesse interjects with a curious look on his face.

“Yeah, I guess that’s kinda rude, sorry. We’re not really used to it ourselves quite yet.”  Sam, looking a little sheepish.

“No big deal, I was just curious if that’s what those faces meant or not.” Jesse shrugs and sits back in his chair eating a little bit more of the pie.

“Hey Sam you up for a walk?” Dean asks, getting up from the table.

“Sure I guess.”  Sam stands up slowly, putting his now empty pie plate down.

“Gentlemen, we’ll see you later.” Dean steers Sam off the patio and onto one of the garden paths.

“What’s up Dean?” Sam asks once they’re out of earshot of the group on the patio.

“Uh, just wanted to get you alone so I could talk to you.”  Dean’s being evasive, and he’s blocking anything from getting through to Sam through their bond, which makes Sam nervous, it must be something Dean’s really worried about.

“What about?”

“Well, I was thinking that I ought to tell you what I had to do to get you back, because I know you’ve been wondering about it.  And I want you to know, since it was important and it changed a lot of things for me and you need to know what you’re getting into with me.”

“Chuck told me a little, something about a life review where you risked your life and ended up with your soul repaired and me back. But please tell me Dean, I want to know it all, from you.”

“I think the better way would be to show you, let me try okay?”  Dean stops them at a redwood bench and they get seated next to each other, still holding hands. “I’ll send it to you all at once and if you don’t understand afterwards, then we can talk about it.”

 Sam nods and closes his eyes.  _Dean goes inside his memories and starts replaying the tape of what’s happened since he called on God holding the amulet in Bobby’s study.  It all unspools, every single hesitation, fear, surprise, pain and joy.  All downloaded into Sam’s mind at once.  He sees his brother fearlessly take himself apart and reassemble himself into something even more amazing.  He sees his younger self guiding his brother through it all. And he sees their reunion through his brother’s eyes.  And all of it is beautiful in the end, he sees his brother finally value himself as he should.  He’s getting a whole Dean, all to himself._

Sam snaps out of it, immediately demanding, “Where is it Dean?”

“Where’s what?”  Dean’s confused, this isn’t the reaction he’d been expecting at all, he thought Sam would at least give him a hug or something.

“The amulet, where is it?”

“Right here.”  Dean stands and pulls it out of his pocket handing it to Sam.

Sam’s face lights up when he holds it, he touches the warm metal with the pads of his fingers gently, looking up to Dean, searching through their bond _to see if it still holds the same meaning to him that it once did._   Dean sends him _a big neon flashing green Yes you idiot of course it does, it means even more now since its how I got you back._

Sam stands up, moving in close to Dean, feeling his body heat and a question starting to come through their bond “No, hold on, I want to say this out loud.”  Dean rolls his eyes, but stands firm, knowing that if his brother needs another chick-flick moment, he’s gonna give it to him.

“Dean, I want you to wear this again.  It would mean everything to me if you would.”

All Dean can do is nod, Sam smiles and puts it around Dean’s neck, patting the amulet shining there on his chest once again like it’s supposed to.  “There, that’s better.”

“Thanks Sammy.”  Dean whispers through his emotion-choked throat.

“For what?” Sam asks gently.

“For coming back to me.” Dean sends him _an I was so scared you were gone forever that I was going to die and go to Heaven and be alone without you but now you’re here with me and I’m just so proud of you for surviving and I don’t know what I would have done if it hadn’t worked._ And oh god is he ever glad they have this soul-bond thing because he never in a million years could have said all that, but now Sam knows everything, and it feels good to finally be able to tell him this stuff.

“You’re welcome.  Thanks for getting me back.” Sam sends him _an I’m so amazed by you and what you did to get me back (again) I’ll never forget it and I feel so lucky that I finally get to be with you like I always wanted and it means so much that you’re wearing the amulet again. Don’t ever do that to me ever again._

“I promise.” Dean answers out loud. “Never again Sam.” He pulls Sam in close and tugs him down so he can kiss him, sealing that promise in with lips and tongue and teeth.  They kiss until they’re breathless and finally pull apart when a hummingbird buzzes by them darting off to find another blooming fuchsia bush.

“Let’s go back up to the house, I think you look like you need a nap.”  Dean waggles his eyebrows when he says nap and Sam just grins, not having to use their bond to pick up Dean’s meaning.

As they walk back on the gravel paths winding their way through the beautiful garden back up to the house, Sam decides now’s a good time to tell Dean his news, “When you were gone, I was talking to Chuck and he says we’re going to Heaven together, at the same time, and we’ll be able to visit other people’s if we want to.”

“Good, I wouldn’t want to have to upset the ‘Natural Order’ or anything again if you went before I did.”

“Guess you didn’t learn all the lessons they wanted to teach you huh?”

“Nope. Not even close.” Dean shakes his head proudly.

“Oh and he told me some more stuff about us and why we’re so weird.”

“Can you send it to me, I like hearing things like that, in this new way, it’s easier for me to get it all.”

Sam sends him _the whole story that Chuck had told him along with some editorial comments, see this is why, we’re not just perverts or something, colored with a tinge of relief that the incest thing has basically been given a pass from God._ Dean’s eyes get wider and wider as he takes it all in, stopping to pull Sam in for a hug when he’s gotten it all.  “Always told you we were freaks.”

Sam hugs him back, then pulls back to keep walking, reaching for Dean’s hand, “I think I like being a freak with you.”

Dean squeezes his hand, and agrees, “Yeah, it’s pretty alright.”

Back in their room, they undress each other slowly, delighting in re-learning their way across skin, all senses alight with these new tastes and sounds until they’re back on the bed together.  Dean leans over and is rustling in a bag and pulls out a tube of lube.

Sam cracks up laughing, breaking the mood, “Did you really go buy lube when you were out for pie with Jesse?”

“Yeah, he waited in the car while I went into the drugstore.  Got him some candy and he didn’t even give me a hard time.” Dean shrugs, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to him.  He needed lube, he went and got some.

“You’re unbelievable you know that.” Sam sits up, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Yeah, I know, glad you agree.” Dean turns to him, waving the tube of lube, smirking, full of himself.

“So, how we doing it this time?” Sam asks, and _sends Dean a barrage of pictures of various combinations and positions of what they could try. But lastly he sends a picture of them from earlier today, joined together, Dean on top of Sam, face beautiful in his ecstasy._

Dean growls and flips Sam over, landing on top of him, pinning him down completely, “You want that again Sammy?”

Sam tries to move and finds he can’t, Dean’s got him down too tight, and the pleasure of  being that contained and controlled by Dean is too good to stifle his moan, “Yeah Dean, I do, I really do, now.”

“I had no idea you’d be so demanding.” Dean nips and kisses his way down Sam’s throat, sucking a red, hot mark in the dip where his neck meets his shoulder.

Sam finds enough room to writhe and can’t help a moan escaping at the sweet heat his skin is feeling under Dean’s mouth, “Better get used to it.” Sam promises with a filthy grin.

Dean gives another growl, re-pinning Sam so he can’t move at all again, “I’m gonna keep you so busy, you’ll forget you need to ask.” He’s holding Sam’s hands firmly above his head, kissing and biting his way up and down the sides of Sam’s neck, under his jaw and behind his ears.  He lets up the pressure on Sam’s hands and Sam sighs and leaves them there as if they’re still pinned down; leaving Dean free to lick his way down to circle his nipples; pulling each one in, suckling and biting until Sam cries out.

“Sounds like the kind of busy I won’t mind at all.” Sam barely manages to say over the rising tide of pleasure fuzzing out his communication center.

“Not likely.” Dean purrs, licking into Sam’s belly button and hovering over his hardened cock, teasing him with his warm breath.

Sam can’t take the teasing anymore so he thrusts up, hitting Dean in the chin with his erection, “Would you shut up and do me already.”

And Dean does, and it’s maybe not as earth-shattering and life-changing as the first time a few hours ago, but it’s way better than good, and once again they hear a light round of applause from elsewhere in the house as they recover in each other’s arms.

“We’re definitely leaving tomorrow.” Dean shouts, shaking with laughter.

Sam joins him in laughing and adds, “Sounds like a plan.”


	8. Epilogue

Dean’s been kind of cranky after their recent stops in Yosemite and Disneyland.  No, that’s an understatement really, he’s being a complete dick and Sam’s wondering if he even wants to keep doing this quasi-family road-trip thing.  Maybe Dean wants to ask Jesse to leave.  And the weird thing is that Dean’s blocking him through their bond, he’s just putting up this wall and not letting much of anything through that makes sense, which is frustrating as all get out.  Sam’s gotten used to having Dean’s emotions and thoughts so easily accessible.  He decides to ask Dean when they’re out at the Impala in the parking lot, getting ready to leave their latest motel while Jesse’s inside finishing packing.

“Hey Dean, before Jesse comes out I want to ask you something.” Sam asks, standing next to the Impala.

“Yeah, what?” Dean looks up from the trunk with an almost pissed-off face.

“Is there something going on, like are you pissed about something?  Is having Jesse around bugging you?  I’ve been getting conflicting stuff through our bond from you and I just want to make sure you’re still okay with him still being around.” Sam wishes that Dean wasn’t blocking him on their bond but he doesn’t want to just come out and ask him to stop.

“No, nothing like that, really, I’m not pissed off or anything, I just feel funny letting the kid pay for everything.” Dean _sends Sam a small quiet message of feeling unworthy, poor, not able to provide enough for his brother or their friend_.

Sam’s glad to get at least something through their bond, Dean’s a lot more open and honest than he used to be, but getting it straight to his soul/brain/heart whatever is a lot clearer, he looks at Dean sympathetically saying, “Is that why you’ve been such a jerk lately?” but _sending Dean a yeah me too, I know what you mean, he could be anywhere doing anything, staying in the best hotels, but he’s with us._

“Uh, I guess.  And other stuff.”

“Since we’re talking and you’ve been blocking me, you might as well just tell me, get it over with.” 

“I’m not getting enough, you know, alone time with you.” Dean looks embarrassed to be admitting this, even though it’s obviously been bugging him a whole lot.

Sam can’t help but smile indulgently at Dean, pulling him in for a quick dirty kiss, it’s still a new thing between them, they should be honeymooning or something really, instead of furtively trying to get enough contact with each other when they think Jesse won’t notice, “Okay, you’re right, but that one’s easy, here’s what we’ll do, next hotel, we’ll just get two separate rooms.”

“What about the money part?”

“You have to get over it Dean.  He wants to do it for us, so let him.”

“Doesn’t feel right.”

“And you’d rather pay with fraudulent credit cards?”  That feels right?”

“s’what I’m used to.” Dean sullenly tosses his bag into the trunk.

“I know, but you’re not used to having regular sex with your brother either, so get over it.  Make like you’re appreciative and maybe even having a little fun, okay? It’ll mean a lot to Jesse.  Remember he’s not in on the mind-reading thing with us, so we have to either tell him or show him we like being with him.”

“Alright already, and I am having fun.” Dean pouts as he slam the trunk lid closed.

“Could’ve fooled me.”  Sam kisses him again quickly,  right on his pouted lips, sending Dean an _I love you even though you’re an idiot_ and walks back into the motel room, to see if Jesse’s ready to go, leaving Dean to stew or get over it on his own in the parking lot.

“Hey Jesse, how would you feel about having your own room tonight?”

“Sure, you guys need some alone time huh?  I was wondering about that.”

“Oh, uh, you were?”

“Yeah, Sam, I’m twelve almost thirteen, I’m not stupid, I can see how it is with you two.”

“It doesn’t bother you?”

“What, cause you’re brothers? Or because you’re two guys?”

“Uh either, both I guess.”

“Sam, after what I’ve seen and done these last couple years, it’s just a nice change being around two people that love each other so much.  You remind me of my parents a little.”

“That’s really nice, thanks Jesse.  I’m glad you’re okay with it, because Dean and I really like hanging with you.”

“Me too Sam.  Wish it could be…”  Jesse trails off, looking a little embarrassed.

“Be what Jesse?” Sam asks, gently.

“Well, more permanent I guess?  I just really miss being in a family, and I know I can’t go back to my parents.  You understand?”

“Yeah Jesse, I do.  I’ll talk to Dean, but I’m sure that…”

“Talk to me about what?” Dean interrupts, stopping in the open doorway.

Sam turns to look at his brother, so beautiful and golden-tinged, backlit by the morning sun, and smiles hopefully, “Jesse wants to stay with us.”

“For how long?”  Dean gets a funny look on his face, like he’s unbelieving, hopeful, worried and happy all at once.  Sam’s never seen anything like it before and wonders what his brother is thinking, searching through their bond but Dean’s figured out the blocking thing too well.

Jesse has noticed Dean’s strange face too and answers carefully and clearly, “I don’t know for sure, just, I was telling Sam, I miss being in a family, and I thought maybe you’d…”

Dean cuts him off abruptly, “You thought we’d want to what? Make a family with you somehow?”

Jesse drops his eyes and crumples in on himself, mumbling to his chest, “Yeah, guess it was a stupid idea.”

Dean moves quickly across to the bed and crouches down in front of Jesse and grabs his hand.  “No Jesse, It makes a whole lot of sense to me.  I just thought we were already kinda doing that you know? Being a family.”

Jesse looks up, meeting Dean’s eyes with a wondering, happy expression “You did?”

“Sure? Who else drags their kid all over creation to show them stuff and buys them mouse ears and climbs mountains on purpose and eats vegetables to be a good example?”

“I guess, uh, a family does.  Thanks Dean.”  Jesse stands up and hugs him quickly before Dean can back away.

“For what?” Dean pulls back and looks at Jesse, trying to read the kid’s face.

Jesse lets go of Dean and answers, “For figuring it out before we did.”  Jesse looks up at Sam, who smiles at him widely.

“Yeah, thanks Dean.” Sam says with a smile that tells Dean he’s getting absolutely anything and everything he wants tonight when they have their own room, which is confirmed when _Sam sends him that exact thought._

“For what?” Dean asks, wanting to hear the answer that Sam will give out loud.

“For figuring out what we needed before we did ourselves.” Sam answers with so much feeling, Dean practically feels himself bending under the weight of it.

“Damn, you guys are worse than a bunch of preteens talking about Bieber or something.  Let’s go before we start the hair-braiding.” Dean starts walking towards the motel room door with his duffel in one hand.

“Dean.” Sam’s voice is low but insistent, that particular tone that Dean has never ever been able to ignore.

“What now?” Dean turns and drops his duffel when he sees Sam’s face; like he’s about to break into tears of joy, and he gets _hit with the wave of joy_ his brother is sending him through their bond.

“c’mere” Sam opens his arms and gestures for his brother to step into them.  Sam pulls him into a hug and then gathers Jesse in too.  “There, that official enough for you Jesse?”

Jesse looks up at both of them, contained in the large circle of their linked arms and smiles, finally looking relaxed “Yeah, I guess so.  What do I call you guys?”

“Well, what do you want to call us?” Sam is surprised by the question.

“Is Sam and Dean still okay?  I don’t think I could call you my Dads, it would make me too sad.”

“It’s okay with me, guess we’ll have to come up with a story once we settle down somewhere.” Dean says matter-of-factly.

“Settle down? Who said anything about settling down Dean?”  Sam is shocked that his brother is even entertaining the idea of settling down.  But all he’s getting from Dean _is yeah really that’s what I mean Sam._

“Well, he’s gotta go to school right?  And I’m not hunting anymore, now that I’m a family man.  I always swore to myself I wouldn’t do that to my family.” Dean protests, not understanding why Sam doesn’t get what he’s saying, more than anything Sam should know that he wouldn’t want to raise a kid like their dad had raised them.

“Just like that you’re gonna stop?” Jesse looks at Dean, not believing that he’d ever be able to do that.

What did you think we’d do?”  Dean’s really confused, it seems so obvious to him that stopping hunting and getting settled is what Jesse would want, it’s all Sam ever wanted when he was that age, _he sends all of that to Sam knowing that Sam needs to hear it to get what he’s trying to really say here._

“Well, I thought we’d keep doing this traveling around thing and maybe you guys could hunt sometimes too.” Jesse walks across to the table and chairs, sitting down heavily.

Dean turns to Jesse, wishing he could read minds with him like he can with Sam, it would all be so much easier, “You don’t want to try and have a normal life? School, friends, all that stuff?”

Jesse shrugs, “Dean, I’m The Anti-Christ, I don’t think normal’s really in the cards for me, and besides, I like this.” He gestures between the three of them.

“Like what, life with the Sam and Dean Road Show?”  Dean sits down across from him on the edge of one of the beds.

“Yeah.  It’s fun, sure beats being by myself.  I like going places with you guys.” Jesse isn’t sure why this would be a surprise to Dean.

“Well, you haven’t really seen what we get like when we’re hunting.  Plus it’s really dangerous and I don’t want to risk you getting hurt or seeing us get hurt.”  Dean says in his best approximation of a fatherly tone.

Jesse rolls his eyes at Dean “You gotta remember, I’m The Anti-Christ, nothing’s going to hurt me, or you guys if I’m around.”

“How about this Dean, we’ll get something going with some homeschooling stuff online and stick to hunting only ghosts, nothing worse, and just see how it goes.”  Sam offers, trying to come up with a compromise that will work for everyone.  Sam sends Dean a plea _to just try it, just for a while, please_.

Dean looks back and forth from Sam to Jesse and sees they’ve both got his number and gives in immediately, “Guess we could show him the World’s Biggest Ball of Twine and CarHenge, everyone should see those at least once in their life.”

Sam groans at the thought of going to see these roadside “attractions” yet again, “Sure Dean, whatever.  So, we ok now?

Dean smiles at him, sends him a _hesitant joyful yes_ , “Yeah Sammy, we’re good.  Jesse, you in?”

“Yes! Let’s roll!  I call Shotgun!”  Jesse shouts triumphantly, grabs his bag and runs out to the Impala.

Sam and Dean roll their eyes at each other as they walk towards the door of the motel room together.  “We’re gonna have to make a rule about shotgun, I’m not sitting in the back seat too often.”

“I know, I don’t want you back there too much either, seems strange.  We’ll just let him do it sometimes, ‘kay?” Dean squeezes Sam’s hand to get his attention.

Sam leans in to kiss Dean deeply, reveling in the weight of his brother’s tongue, since it will have to last him a few hours.  Sam pulls back looking closely at Dean, worried that Dean’s blocking his true feelings from coming through somehow.  “This really okay with you, all this stuff with Jesse?”

Dean nods and sends Sam _a wave of joy and surprise that he’s content for once after all these years, and a happy warm glow that it’s them doing it together_. “Yeah, Sammy. Long as I get enough of this, ‘m good.”  Dean pulls Sam back down for another long kiss filled with passion.  “’m lookin’ forward to getting you all to myself tonight.”  Sam groans in anticipation and agreement, kissing him one more time, promising everything, holding back nothing. _Sending each other visions of what they’ll be doing tonight in vivid, porn-quality detail._

Sam sighs in frustration after seeing everything Dean wants to do to him later, “C’mon we gotta go, he’s out there waiting.”

“Our own little petty tyrant.  Brings back memories.”

“What are you saying I was a petty tyrant or something?”

“Yeah, of course you were, all kids are.  Expecting the world to conform to their wishes.  Except in Jesse’s case it actually does.  Sure is interesting isn’t it?”

“Definitely not boring.” Sam kisses Dean once more, reluctantly letting go, they walk out the motel door, bumping hips as usual.

Sam gets into the backseat of the Impala and settles in for a nap; Jesse practically bouncing in the front passenger seat in excitement.  “Hey Dean can we listen to Zeppelin Four again?”

Dean grins over at Jesse, “Sure, you’ve just got to find the tape buddy.”

They drive off, Dean’s arm across the top of the seat, Sam’s hand holding his from the back seat, Jesse leaned up against the window digging through the box of tapes, and looking at them both with a fond smile on his face.  “Thanks you guys, this is gonna be fun.”

**_~FIN~_ **


End file.
